


Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban Abridged

by kierandell1409



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abridged, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2018-11-02 12:23:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 32,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10944444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kierandell1409/pseuds/kierandell1409
Summary: Two books down, let's start number three shall we?





	1. Night Bird Mail

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, you know how I said this wasn’t coming until August? Well, I lied. Finally, I get to have some more fun with this. Let’s get to it, shall we?

Narrator: When we last left our hero, he was going to get punished so hard, Cold War era KGB agents thought his uncle was going too far.  
Harry: Was the straitjacket really necessary?  
Vernon: It’s to make sure you don’t try anything.  
Harry: You’ve got my arms chained to the ground. Exactly what could I try?  
Vernon: Exactly. Now, clean this room. It stinks like shit. And keep that bird quiet.  
Harry: You don’t think it might be because she’s in a cage just barely big enough for her to fit in, and I’ve been chained here for three days straight, and any time I’ve asked to go to the bathroom you’ve said ‘just go where you are, you filthy creature’?  
Vernon: I fail to see how any of that is my fault.  
Harry: I wonder if I can use my magic to break that window.  
Vernon: And get yourself expelled?  
Harry: Followed by Hedwig making so much noise, the neighbours will call the RSPCA, who will in turn call the NSPCC, and seeing as you’re the man of the house…  
Vernon: …where did I leave that key?

*later*  
Harry: Ahh, feels good to have the ability to move again.  
Vernon: Just wait. The second I can get you locked up again I will *phone rings* I better get that.  
Harry: I wonder who it is. Wait…I told Ron to call me…and he hasn’t done it yet…OH GOD!  
Ron: *over phone* HELLO! SIR! I! WOULD! LIKE! TO! TALK! TO! HARRY!  
Vernon: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?!  
Ron: THIS! IS! RON! WEASLEY! I! AM! A! FRIEND! OF! HARRY’S! FROM! SCHOOL!  
Harry: Well, at least he only said friend.  
Ron: AND! WE! OCCASIONALLY! FUCK! EACH OTHER!  
Harry: DAMN IT RON!  
Vernon: *calmly hangs up phone and turns to face Harry* Boy?  
Harry: Look, to be fair, they don’t use phones in the wizarding world, so…  
Vernon: It’s bad enough that you decided to be magical, but now you’re choosing to be gay too?  
Harry: First, neither of those is a choice, and second, I’m not gay, Ron just wants me to be.  
Vernon: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THOSE PRAY AWAY THE GAY CAMPS COST?!  
Harry: And yet, they’re about as efficient as your attempts to make me not magical.  
Vernon: Don’t you try and be smarter than me boy.  
Harry: Too late.  
Vernon: THAT’S IT! Go to your room.  
Harry: I was wondering when we were going to get to the actual start of the book.

*that night*  
Harry: …oh, wait, I just remembered. I’m the only character saying or doing anything for the rest of the chapter. I can’t do anything funny by myself…well, guess this will be a standard chapter of Harry Potter Abridged then.

*Hedwig and another owl fly towards the window carrying Errol. The owls are carrying several packages and letters. As they get close, Errol gets loose and starts flying towards the open window, only to turn at the last second and crash into the wall*  
Harry: Hedwig, could you peal what’s left of Errol off the wall please? *takes letter from other owl, which is from Hogwarts* Okay, what’s this letter about. “Dear Mr. Potter, please be advised that as a third year you may go on scheduled visits to Hogsmeade, a very safe wizarding village full of candy shops near the school. However, you must have your pare…err, guardian, sign this permission slip. We don’t want to be liable if something happens to you.” Really?

*Hedwig flies in with Errol, still alive*  
Harry: Wow, you survived? Well, let’s see what Ron has to say. “Dearest Harry, sorry about the phone call to your uncle. I didn’t realise we weren’t telling people yet. Anyway, my dad won the Wizard Lottery, so we’ve been holidaying in Egypt the last few weeks. He was going to win eventually, since he was using our birthdays, which means he picked every number. For your birthday, I sent you a Pocket Sneakoscope. It tells you when someone untrustworthy is around. I know that it works, it kept going off when Fred and George were around, but only when Scabbers was also around, so it might be rat powered. Also, Percy’s Head Boy now. Speaking of which…” I’m going to stop reading now.

*picks up Hermione’s present*  
Harry: Well, at least this should be somewhat sensible. And given the present’s vaguely book-like shape, I’m guessing it’s a *unwraps it to find a broomstick servicing kit* Oh. It’s something kind of magical. Does that mean she’s accepted the existence of magic? *opens her letter* “Dear Harry, Happy birthday. I didn’t know what to get you, but then dad suggested that, since you’re a boy, you’d want something car related. But since you can’t drive yet, but you do have one of the hoverbrooms that was invented by science, you’d want to get something to keep it looking nice.” Nope, still in denial.

*picks up Hagrid’s present. It immediately starts moving*  
Harry: Okay, this is a bad start. Do I dare even open this thing *sees his hand moving to unwrap the present* Damn my protagonist instincts *unwraps Monster Book of Monster, that immediately clamps itself on his balls* *high-pitched squeal* *removes Book from his balls and ties a belt around it* Damn it Hagrid. Why would you send me a book that bites? For that matter, why did you buy me a book in the first place? I didn’t know you could even read. *reads Hagrid’s letter* “Dear ‘arry, if those muggles give ye any trouble, just sic ol’ Monsty onto ‘em. That’ll show ‘em. Also, ye might need it at school this year.” What kind of sick psychopath would assign a book that bites you…oh God, they’re letting Hagrid teach a class.


	2. Vernon’s Sister’s Grand Error

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the chapter with Aunt Marge. And I do mean The.

*the next morning, in the kitchen. TV is showing the news*  
Reporter: Citizens are reminded that Sirius Black is a dangerous psychopath, and should not be approached under any circumstance. Now, on to the weather.  
Petunia: Typical news reporter. Psychopath’s on the loose, and he doesn’t even say where. What if he comes knocking on the door looking for a place to hide?  
Harry: You realise the closest prison he’s likely to be in is Long Lartin, right?  
Vernon: What have I told you about being smarter than us?  
Harry: You know I can’t help that.  
Vernon: Dudley, beat the shit out of him.  
Dudley: With pleasure.  
Vernon: But first, I better tell you that Marge is coming over.  
Harry: Aww, HELL, NO!  
Dudley: YIPPEE!  
Petunia: She’s not bringing the dogs again, is she?  
Vernon: Just the one this time.  
Petunia: As much as it pains me to say it, I agree with Harry.  
*thirty seconds of stunned silence*  
Everyone else: You WHAT?!  
Petunia: Last time she was here, one of her dogs pooped in the sink.  
Vernon: I told you, that was the boy.  
Petunia: And I was happy to punish him for it, but I did watch you holding the dog over the sink as it pooped, then yell at Harry for pooping in the sink. And then I had to clean it, since we couldn’t stretch Harry so that he could be in the cupboard and the kitchen at the same time.

Harry: You know, with all the mental and physical abuse I’ve been put through, you’d think I’d be completely fucked up psychologically, but nope.  
Vernon: Speaking of fucking you up psychologically…  
Harry: Oh goodie, what do I get this time?  
Vernon: We haven’t told Marge that you’re being taught by Gandalf yet…  
Harry: I’m not being taught by Gandalf, he’s actually wise.  
Vernon: So we told her you go to St Brutus' Secure Centre for Incurably Criminal Boys, since that’s what wizards are.  
Harry: You make it sound like being a wizard is a choice.  
Vernon: I realise the error of that now, and realise you are incurable and insane, which are choices.  
Harry: Wow, for a moment, I thought you’d actually learned something.  
Vernon: Now, I have to go pick Marge up from the station…  
Petunia: Wait, she’s coming TODAY?!  
Vernon: Didn’t I mention?  
Petunia: No, you didn’t.  
Vernon: Oh, right. Petunia, make the bed in the spare room for me?  
Petunia: I’m on it. Harry, make the bed in the spare room.  
Harry: I should have seen that coming *goes upstairs, has an idea, grabs Hogsmeade permission form, goes back downstairs* Hey, Uncle Vernon?  
Vernon: Aren’t you supposed to be doing my wife’s duties?  
Harry: I didn’t realise I was supposed to lie on the bed while you search through eight tons of fat for your dick, then when you give up on that pretend the fat lump you’re shoving in me is…you know what? I think the audience gets the picture. Anyway, can you sign this?  
Vernon: *reads the note* The fuck is a Hogsmeade?  
Harry: Wizard town full of candy shops. Literally the safest place in a ten mile radius of the school.  
Vernon: Why the fuck would I sign this then?  
Harry: Yeah, good point.

*later, the door ominously creaks open*  
Marge: I’m heeeeeeere.  
Petunia: Marge, hi. Welcome.  
Marge: Petunia, darling. Is the sink ready? Ripper has been whining about going since we left.  
Petunia: Oh, err, of course *leads her past the stairs where Harry is standing, and speaks in an angry whisper to him* I will not hold anything you do to her against you.  
Harry: You’re giving me permission to act out?  
Petunia: I will deny it with every fibre of my being, but yes.  
Marge: Now, where’s my wittle Dudders?  
Dudley: Here Aunt Marge. Did you get me anything?  
Marge: I got you this *hands Dudley a twenty pound note*  
Dudley: Only twenty?  
Marge: I’ll make it fifty if you kick your cousin’s ass for my amusement.  
Harry: And that’s my cue to leave *goes upstairs to his room, and quickly writes a letter* Sorry Hedwig, but with Marge around, you may need to get out of here. Go find Ron or Hermione or something *opens window, Hedwig leaves*  
Dudley: *kicking down the door* Dudley wants a fifty…hey, did your bird age about fifty years or so overnight?  
Harry: Oh, right, Errol you can go too *throws Errol out the window. Errol flaps his wings three times, then falls like a rock* Clearly a species of wisdom.

*later*  
Harry: Well, it’s been a week, but now Marge is about to leave. What a shame.  
Marge: I know. You were there the whole time.  
Harry: Hey, I wanted to say that. In those exact words.  
Marge: I’d watch my tongue if I were you. Vernon and Petunia were very kind to take care of you after your useless drunk of a father and dumb bitch of a mother went and got themselves killed.  
Harry: I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.  
Marge: Oh, you didn’t hear me? Let me make it clearer. YOUR! MOTHER! WAS! A! STUPID! C**T!  
*thirty seconds of horrified silence*  
Harry: *sigh* Let the record show I gave her a chance to back down *glares at Marge until she begins to inflate and float away* Huh, didn’t expect that to happen.  
Vernon: MARGE! *grabs her ankle to weigh her down. Ripper bites Vernon’s leg. As they float past the sink, Ripper takes a shit*  
Petunia: DAMN IT! Why does he only poop there?  
Vernon: Didn’t you know? Marge’s dogs only poop in the finest sinks in England, and we have one.  
Harry: By the way, I’m out of here *runs upstairs, grabs his stuff, comes back down and grabs his trunk*  
Vernon: First, you’re going to fix this.  
Harry: Sure thing. Just as soon as she apologises.  
Vernon: But that would be untrue. Now, fix her you little shit.  
Harry: No.  
Vernon: Do it, or I’ll break you.  
Harry: *pulls out wand* You’ve seen what I can do without a wand. Imagine what I can do to you with one.  
Vernon: You wouldn’t dare. You’d get expelled.  
Harry: I’m sorry, you mistook me for someone who gives a fuck *kicks his stuff out the door* Potter out *moonwalks out the door, flipping off Vernon as he goes*


	3. The Warrior Coach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry rides the Knight Bus. Do I really have to summarise every chapter of this? Seriously, if you're reading this, you've probably read the books and know exactly what's going to happen.

Harry: *walking down the road* Stupid uncle Vernon, thinking I’d fix his sister after she said that about my mother. I mean, Kieran censored it for crying out loud. *stops in his tracks* I just realised that I have nowhere else to go. I mean, it’s not like I have any other family, not even a godparent. And why haven’t the Ministry arrested me for blowing my aunt…up? Weird. Well, at least there’s nothing that could possibly harm me anywhere around here…  
*rustling sound*  
Harry: The fuck was that? *sees a squirrel running through some leaves* Is this how we’re gonna play it, huh? I say there’s nothing dangerous, but then I keep hearing things *loud thump* Like that cat jumping across a metal roof *gunshot sound* Or that car backfiring *loud growl* Or that giant black dog hiding in the shadows…wait, what?  
*another loud growl as Harry pulled out his wand*  
Harry: LUMOS! *a bright light illuminated everything, followed by a honking horn. Harry turned in time to see a purple vehicle slam into him*

*later*  
???: You gonna wake up now? Or jus’ laze about foreva?  
Harry: *waking up* Who are you and did you just fucking hit me with your car?  
Stan: Name’s Stanley Shunpike, and no I didn’t.  
Harry: Oh, so it was a hit-and-run?  
Stan: It were Earn that hit ya, and with a bus *Harry looks up and sees a purple triple decker bus* Welcome to the Knight Bus, Mr. Potter.  
Harry: Whoa, who said I was Harry Potter?  
Stan: You got the bloody scar, don’t ya?  
Harry: Oh, this? *covers scar* I, err, made a Polyjuice Potion, so I could look like him. Yeah, that’s it.  
Stan: You know, they really need ta make a potion like that illegal, seeing as people could use it for practically anythin’.  
Harry: Plus it’s in a book in the Hogwarts school library.  
Stan: So, what is ya name?  
Harry: Err…Neville Longbottom?  
Stan: Neville Longbottom?  
Harry: …Yes.  
Stan: As in Witch Weekly’s “most likely to blow in himself up putting his teabag into his tea”?  
Harry: …err…  
Stan: And you expect me to believe you made a perfect Polyjuice Potion by yourself?  
Harry: Yes.  
Stan: We’re English. It’s not physically possible to do that.  
Harry: Hermione made it.  
Stan: You mean Witch Weekly’s “most likely to never make a Polyjuice Potion ever for any reason”?  
Harry: Yep, that proves it. Gossip magazines are complete bullshit, not just partial.  
Stan: Well, whatever your name is, where you headin’?  
Harry: Well, seeing as The Leaky Cauldron is the only place even remotely close that I know…  
Stan: Ya hear that Ern? Leaky Cauldron, and step on it *Ern gives a thumbs up from the driver’s seat, then slams his foot on the accelerator*  
Harry: WAIT! I didn’t get on the bus yet.  
Stan: *in the distance* Oh, right. Ern, U-Turn  
*Knight Bus doesn’t slow down as it turns around, destroying anything in its path. As it passes Harry, several hands reach out to grab him and his stuff and hauls it into the bus*

Harry: Isn’t this kind of suspicious?  
Stan: What do you mean?  
Harry: Well, there’s all the collateral damage left in your wake with no known cause. I mean, surely the Ministry must be on to you by now?  
Stan: They are.  
Harry: And?  
Stan: Can’t arrest what they can’t catch. Like that Sirius Black fellow.  
Harry: Yeah, what’s the deal with that? Muggle news was kinda vague about it.  
Stan: Course they were. Muggles are pretty daft.  
Harry: *muttering* Tell me about it.  
Stan: We definitely would be better off without ‘em, in me honest opinion.  
Harry: Say what?  
Stan: But about this Sirius Black character. He blew up an entire street, killing thirteen people, then he stood there laughing, holding one guy’s finger.  
Harry: Wait, why would an explosion that killed thirteen people not kill him too?  
Stan: He didn’t even resist arrest. He just let them lead ‘im away, saying “he’s gone, the traitorous asshole”.  
Harry: I’m starting to think he was justified in his actions.  
Stan: But then recently, he began screaming that the traitorous asshole was alive. And then he broke out of Azkaban, a prison surrounded by ice cold water and guarded by soul-sucking monsters.  
Harry: …how?  
Stan: And here we are at the Leaky Cauldron *bus breaks suddenly, throwing Harry and his stuff onto the footpath*

???: Ah, Harry, there you are *Harry turns to see Cornelius Fudge appear from the pub*  
Stan: Shit, the fuzz. GO ERN GO! *Knight Bus screeches away*  
Harry: How the hell did you know I’d be here?  
Fudge: I didn’t. I just came here to get drunk. But, seeing as you are here…  
Harry: I’m expelled, right?  
Fudge: …what? Oh, no, not at all. We fixed that little mess, your aunt remembers nothing, and your aunt and uncle are willing to have you back when the school year ends.  
Harry: Are you FUCKING kidding me?  
Fudge: Why? What’s wrong?  
Harry: I would sooner take my chances living at Professor McFondles’ place than go back to the Dursley’s.  
Fudge: Are you implying Professor McFondles might be somehow dangerous?  
Harry: *sighing heavily* Why can’t there just be one adult who’s as competent as McGonagall?  
Fudge: Also, we don’t want you leaving Diagon Alley until the school year starts, and your owl is already here.  
Harry: Is this because of Sirius Black? And how did Hedwig know to come here? I freed her days ago, told her to go to Ron, left home a few hours ago…you know what? I’m tired and don’t care at this point. Can we end this chapter with a high-brow, classy joke? *Monster Book of Monsters jumps out of Harry’s trunk and bites Fudge’s crotch* Eh, close enough.


	4. The Dripping Pot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry spends his time waiting for school to start at the Leaky Cauldron.

Harry: Well Hedwig, finally I have a bit of freedom from the Dursleys. Actually, I should check if I can just live here when I’m not at school. I’m sure Tom the bartender would be happy to adopt me, and living here would mean the Dursleys never have to see me again. I’m going to go check.  
*downstairs*  
Tom the Bartender: Absolutely not.  
Harry: What? Why not?  
Tom the Bartender: Because there’s already a major character named Tom in this series, so the audience would get confused. Plus, I’ve just had more lines in this chapter than I get in the actual series.  
Harry: You mean the spirit of Tom imprisoned in the diary? Don’t worry, he’s dead. You don’t have to worry about him.  
Tom the Bartender: Aww, it’s cute you think that way. Now, get out of my bar.  
Harry: But I’m a paying customer.  
Tom the Bartender: Fudge is the paying customer. Therefore, he gets good customer service. You’re just leeching off the government’s teat. Now, get lost.  
Harry: Fine, jeez Tom, no need to be a dick about it.  
Tom the Bartender: Says Harry Potter.

*out in Diagon Alley*  
Dean: HARRY! What’s up buddy?  
Harry: Dean, Seamus, how are you guys going?  
Seamus: Not bad. I just got laid ten minutes ago.  
Harry: Say what? With who?  
Dean: We just got our copies of the Monster Book of Monsters, and Seamus’s immediately latched onto his dick, and, well…  
Seamus: Still counts.  
Harry: Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?  
Seamus: Devon Murray had the record for breaking the most wands on set, so I want the record for breaking the most wands in this fanfic. And by wands…  
Harry & Dean: You mean your dick.  
Pedestrian 1: *running to Quality Quidditch Supplies* Oh my God, there it is.  
Pedestrian 2: It’s beautiful.  
Harry: What’s going on?  
Dean: Oh, they’re unveiling the new Firebolt broomstick. Apparently it’s faster than the Nimbus 2001.  
Harry: Oh, cool. How much is it?  
Dean: If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.  
Harry: But I’m Harry Potter.  
Dean: If you’re thinking of using your white privilege bullshit…  
Harry: It’s not white privilege, it’s killed the Dark Lord privilege. Besides, we’re in England. Why are you black?  
Seamus: Oh my God Harry, you can’t just ask why people are black.

*later, in Flourish and Blotts*  
Harry: Hello, I’m looking for…  
Manager: Let me guess, you need the Monster Book of Monsters? *starts putting on protective gear* Honestly, if I ever find out which teacher put that one on the book list, I’ll…  
Harry: I’m not exactly sure what you’re gonna do to an eleven and a half foot giant. Plus, I’ve already got one.  
Manager: Oh, thank Allah.  
Harry: Say what?  
Manager: So what do you need? *takes list* Let’s see…you need The Standard Book of Spells Grade 3, Intermediate Transfiguration, The Essential Defence Against the Dark Arts, and Unfogging the Future.  
Harry: Why do I have to read an ActualWeeb fanfiction for school? *starts following the manager towards the books, when he sees something* Hey, what’s this?  
Manager: Oh, that’s just some book about death omens. Don’t read it, you’ll start seeing them everywhere.  
Harry: I saw this dog though.  
Manager: See, it’s already starting.  
Harry: Why do I get the feeling this year’s going to revolve around someone trying to kill me? You know, again?

Harry: I honestly thought I would have seen Ron and Hermione by now. I mean, tomorrow’s the day we head the Hogwarts.  
Neville: I’m here, Harry.  
Harry: Nobody cares, Neville *goes downstairs, gets tackled by a mysterious orange blur*  
Ron: Hey.  
Harry: Hey.  
Ron: You miss me?  
Harry: No, but I can tell you did. And not just from the tackle.  
Hermione: Hi Harry.  
Harry: Oh good, someone intelligent to talk to *pushes Ron off him* What’s up?  
Hermione: Well, my parents gave me some money to get myself a present for my birthday next month. I was thinking of getting an owl like you two have.  
Ron: I don’t have an owl. Errol’s the family owl, though I’m pretty sure he’s half pigeon. I only have Scabbers, and that might not be for much longer *pulls out very sick looking Scabbers*  
Harry: Well, I mean, your family have had him about twelve years. He probably should have died about four times by now.  
Hermione: Come on, let’s check out the pet store *heads out the back of the Leaky Cauldron*  
Ron: Okay, through the wonderwall we go *gets punched by Harry* OW! What was that for?  
Harry: Sorry, that’s just my kneejerk reaction to someone referencing Oasis *punches himself*  
Ron: Jeez Harry, don’t look back in anger *gets punched again*

*at the Magical Menagerie*  
Saleswoman: Hello, how may I help you?  
Ron: My rat’s really sick. Can you help?  
Saleswoman: Perhaps. How old is he?  
Ron: I dunno, like, eleven? Twelve?  
Saleswoman: Hmm…Have you ever considered he is a man?  
Ron: What? Of course he’s male. We had him neutered a few years back.  
Saleswoman: No, as in… *a different mysterious orange blur jumps down from somewhere* NO CROOKSHANKS! No eating the patients…again.  
Ron: Okay, I’m outta here *Harry follows him out* Don’t worry buddy, we’re never gonna see that horrid cat again.  
Hermione: *coming out of the store* I bought that cat.  
Ron: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!  
Harry: Yeah Hermione, I don’t see you as much of a cat girl. At least, not since…  
Hermione: You don’t want to finish that sentence.

*later, at dinner*  
Arthur: So, tomorrow we head to King’s Cross in some cars the Ministry is hiring. And for some reason, they’ve made it very clear that I am not allowed to modify them into flying.  
Molly: Oh, I wonder why that is.  
Arthur: I know. The last one worked perfectly fine. It even made it all the way to Hogwarts. I just wish those carjackers hadn’t stolen it.  
Molly: For the last time, it was your son.  
Arthur: It was? Fred, I’m very disappointed in you.  
Fred: Hey, it wasn’t me this time.  
Arthur: Oh, sorry. George, I’m…  
George: Guess again dad.  
Arthur: Well, one of you is lying.  
Molly: Why did I even marry you? Oh, right, to get a daughter out of you. The most perfect daughter in the world.  
Ginny: Hitler was just misunderstood.  
Harry: I take it this is because you caught Lucius Malfoy being evil last year?  
Arthur: Who said it had anything to do with Sirius Black?  
Harry: I didn’t…  
Arthur: And I definitely didn’t say anything about him being your…  
Molly: And that’s the kids cue to go to bed.  
Harry: Why does hiding crucial or shocking information seem to be a recurring theme in these books? And by that I mean in young adult fiction in general?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few days late, but happy 20th birthday Harry Potter. And to J. K. Rowling, if you ever see this, thank you for the greatest book series of all time. You are one of the reasons I got into writing, so thank you for everything you’ve done.


	5. The Soul Sucking Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and friends ride the Hogwarts Express on their way to their third year at Hogwarts. And Lupin's there. And a Dementor attacks. And Lupin's there. And Harry collapses. And Lupin's there.

Harry: Alright, off to Hogwarts today. Is everyone ready?  
Molly: They better bloody be. I don’t want a repeat of last year when we almost forgot Ginny’s diary. By the way, whatever happened to that?  
Harry: You mean the cursed item that allowed her to open the Chamber of Secrets?  
Molly: Oh yeah, after it possessed her.  
Harry: Not sure that it possessed, but yes. That one.

*Ron and Percy come downstairs*  
Ron: Don’t think I don’t know that it was you that did it.  
Percy: It was definitely you. Who else would it be?  
Harry: What’s he done now?  
Ron: Percy thinks I spilt tea on a picture of his girlfriend…  
Percy: Because you did.  
Ron: But I know what I heard last night.  
Harry: Wait, girlfriend? As in that Penelope Clearwater girl that was mentioned like twice last book?  
Percy: Yep, that’s the one.  
Harry: The one Ginny told us you ra…  
Percy: Specifics aren’t important. What is important is that Ron ruined my photo *pulls out a picture and shows it to Harry. Picture contains catatonic Penelope curled up in foetal position, rocking back and forth, right underneath said stain*  
Harry: I don’t think that’s a tea stain.  
Arthur: Come on everyone, the cars are here. We need to get moving.  
Harry: Which begs the question, why are we driving in London? The streets are practically carparks.  
Arthur: Don’t tell Molly, but I may have charmed the cars to go to the front of every traffic cue, no matter how full.  
Molly: You did WHAT?!  
Arthur: Nothing you can prove *runs and hides in one of the cars*  
Molly: YOU MOTHERFUCKER! *runs after him*  
Harry: Ever since Bill’s birth, that’s actually true.

*during the ride there*  
Harry: We are ten cars back, and the lights just turned yellow. I wonder how your father’s spell works.  
Ron: Like this *lights turn red, their cars all end up in a pile at the front of the cue, pushing all the cars behind them back. Car at the very end gets pushed back into the last intersection, before being run into by every car going through that intersection*  
Harry: Your father put the spell on all three cars, didn’t he?  
Percy: You’re surprised?

*at the station*  
Arthur: Well, we made it here in one piece.  
Harry: Including the cars, which is bad because there are meant to be three of them. Now they look like a bear stack.  
Driver: Okay Arthur, see you at work, okay? *drives off, cars still stacked on top of each other*  
Arthur: I have a job?  
Molly: Yes dear, you work for the government.  
Arthur: Really? Am I the president?  
Molly: Sure, why not?  
Harry: Why would you tell him that?  
Molly: Don’t worry, he’ll have forgotten before it becomes a problem.  
Arthur: For my first act as president, I require a harem be brought to my quarters.  
Molly: Right, everyone through the barrier. Arthur, may I speak to you in private before we see the kids off?

*later. Molly and Arthur appear through the barrier. Arthur now has a black eye and a broken nose*  
Percy: Hey, there’s Penelope. Oh, Penelope darling.  
Penelope: PERCY! It’s so good to see my big, strong, handsome man again.  
Harry: Wait, they actually are a couple?  
Penelope: Of course. I mean, what woman wouldn’t want him after he beat up that basilisk with his own two hands?  
Percy: Well, one hand, but still…  
Harry: Really? You stopped the basilisk? You?  
Percy: *whispering in Harry’s ear* Shut up, I might get legally laid if she thinks that.  
Harry: As opposed to what Ginny caught you doing last year? I mean, even SHE was horrified by it…  
Ginny: I never said that.  
Harry: What the fuck is wrong with your fucking family? Fred and George are the least evil of all of you.  
Fred: Actually, it’s just George. He’s the good twin, therefore I’m the evil twin, and since whatever he does must be good, I have to do something worse because I’m evil.  
George: And I keep telling him he’s the good twin, making me the evil twin, so when I see him do something in reaction to something I did, I figure it must be good, and so I do something bad because I’m evil.  
Harry: Jesus fucking Christ.  
Arthur: Harry, can I speak to you in private?  
Harry: At this point, anything to get away from here *follows Arthur to a quiet corner*  
Arthur: Now Harry, I need you to promise me you won’t go looking for Sirius Black.  
Harry: Trust me, I won’t go looking. Somehow, despite Hogwarts being incredibly safe, he’ll find me. Now, if you don’t mind, the train’s leaving, so unless you want me to drive another car to Hogwarts, I have to go *leaves*  
Arthur: Wait, you did WHAT?! Does that make you my son now?

*on the train*  
Ron: Well, every other compartment is occupied, which means this last one won’t be *opens door to see a sleeping man* Aww, there’s a homeless guy on board.  
Hermione: That’s not a homeless guy, that’s Professor Lupin.  
Ron: Who?  
Hermione: The new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher.  
Harry: How do you know that?  
Hermione: Well, name one other subject where the teacher has left.  
Harry: Care of Magical Creatures did, since I’m pretty sure Hagrid’s teaching it this year.  
Ron: Is a convicted felon allowed to teach kids?  
Harry: Hey, it’s Dumbledore’s school. It’s on him if he hires someone awful.  
Ron: Doesn’t look like much. A backfire from his wand would probably finish him off.  
Harry: Yeah, you can talk.  
Ron: But I have a new wand now. Willow, unicorn hair, 14 inches. Speaking of 14 inches…  
Harry: No Ron, yours is not that big. And I’m disappointed that I know that.  
*loud whistling sounds from Harry’s trunk*  
Hermione: What’s that?  
Harry: I don’t know, but it’s coming from my trunk, and it started as soon as Scabbers popped his head out of Ron’s pocket.  
Ron: Probably your Sneakoscope. I told you it was a cheap, crappy one. It thinks Scabbers an evil wizard.  
???: *muffled* That’s coz he is. Let me at him.  
Harry: Say what?  
Lupin: *coughs loudly in seems to ram his arm backwards into his chair, before going back to sleep*  
Harry: We’re just going to ignore that, aren’t we?  
Ron: Yep. I wanna talk about all the places we can go in Hogsmeade.  
Harry: You and Hermione can go, you mean.  
Hermione: Your uncle didn’t sign the permission form?  
Harry: Damn it Hermione, you’re meant to be the smart one. You figure it out.

*the door opens, revealing Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle*  
Draco: Hey, it’s Potty, Weasel, and Mudblood.  
Hermione: Hey, that is OUR word. You have no right to use it.  
Draco: Who’s the homeless guy? Did Weasel bring his father with him?  
Harry: New professor, who’s totally awake and listening to this entire conversation and is preparing to make Slytherin start on negative points this year. By the way, didn’t your father get arrested last year?  
???: *mumbled muttering* He’s James’s kid alright.  
???: *muttering* Sirius, for God’s sake, shut up.  
Draco: *glaring at Harry* This isn’t over Potter. Come, minions.  
Crabbe: Gah.  
Doyle: Duh. *Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle leave*

*later*  
Ron: The train’s slowing down. We must be nearly there.  
Harry: Aren’t we normally able to see the castle by now? *lights go out* This can’t be good.  
Hermione: What’s going on?  
Harry: I’ll have a look *heads towards the door* Ron, stop grabbing my ass.  
Ron: Wait, that’s not you grabbing my ass?  
Hermione: Err…must be a phantom hand?  
Harry: If we’re done being weird *opens door*  
Neville: Make way *falls into compartment* Hey guys, mind if I join you?  
Harry: Yes.  
Neville: Yay! *takes a seat*  
Ginny: I’m here too.  
Harry: Why?  
Ginny: Because Rowling wanted me to be here. Now, does anyone know what’s going on?  
Harry: I’m about to find out, so…  
Lupin: Don’t move.  
Ron: HOLY CRAP! YOU’RE ALIVE?!  
Lupin: It comes.  
Neville: W…what comes? *shadowy cloaked figure appears in the doorway* Uh oh…  
Harry: The fuck is that thing?  
Dementor: *in rasping voice* Om nom nom *flies in close to Harry, starts sucking his soul*  
Harry: What the fu… *passes out*

*later*  
Lupin: No Ron, CPR doesn’t require you to take off his pants.  
Ron: But it’s not unnecessary, right?  
Harry: Don’t worry Ron, I’m awake.  
Ron: Dang it.  
Harry: What happened?  
Lupin: You collapsed when the Dementor attacked you. They thought one of us was hiding Sirius Black under out cloak, which is a preposterous idea, right? *disembodied giggling* Don’t worry, it’s a natural reaction to them.  
Harry: Oh…but Neville also collapsed, right?  
Hermione: Actually, he didn’t. He did soil himself, but he didn’t collapse.  
Neville: At least I was wearing my pants this time.  
Harry: Where are your pants?  
Neville: *looks down* Damn it.  
Harry: So, I take it after I passed out, Professor Lupin fought the Dementor back, since it’s his job as teacher to protect his students?  
Lupin: Actually, Ginny glared at the monster, and it ran away screaming. I didn’t even know they could scream.  
Harry: That was going to be my second guess.  
Lupin: Here, eat this *hands Harry a chocolate bar out of his jacket* It’ll help.  
Harry: Do you always carry Snickers bars in your coat pocket to hand out to children you just met?  
Lupin: You never know when they’ll come in handy. Then, look who’s prepared. Now, you take it easy, I’m going to talk to the driver to see how far away we are *leaves room. Harry sees a second pair of legs under Lupin’s cloak*  
Harry: *sighs* Whatever that was, it was none of my business.

*at Hogsmeade station*  
Hagrid: A’right, a’right, firs’ years this weh, eve’yone else that weh.  
First year: You’re really big. Are you gonna eat us?  
Hagrid: I will if yeh don’ shut yer yap.  
Hermione: Okay guys, into these carriages that pull themselves.  
Harry: Obviously some kind of magic *hears strange shriek from the front of the carriage* Or whatever that was.  
Hermione: Like the axel needing oil?  
Harry: I’m just gonna go with that because I just can’t be bothered with this day right now.  
Draco: Hello Potter.  
Harry: I said I can’t be bothered with this day anymore.  
Draco: I heard you collapsed on the train from the spooky Dementor.  
Harry: Where the hell did you hear that?  
Draco: Longbottom was bragging about it.  
Harry: DAMN IT NEVILLE!  
Lupin: Is there a problem here?  
Draco: Why no, Professor *leaves with Crabbe and Goyle*  
Lupin: Kind of a douchebag, isn’t he?  
Harry: And just like that, you’re now my second favourite teacher. McGonagall’s at least a competent adult, if kind of bitchy at times.  
McGonagall: What was that Potter?  
Harry: You have GOT to be kidding me.  
McGonagall: May I see you and Miss Granger in my office?  
Harry: Wait, what did Hermione do?  
McGonagall: That’s between the staff, and the readers who have presumably read this book.

*in McGonagall’s office*  
McGonagall: Now Potter, I heard you collapsed on the train…  
Harry: How the hell does everyone know about this?  
McGonagall: Professor Lupin sent word ahead, so I wanted to check you were…  
Harry: I’m fine, thank… *Madam Pomfrey walks into the room, covered in spots of red* What the hell happened to you?  
Pomfrey: Just came from the Great Hall.  
Harry: Not reassuring.  
Pomfrey: Now, you said there was a student who collapsed?  
Harry: God damn it, I’m fine. Can I go now?  
Pomfrey: Have you had any chocolate yet?  
Harry: Is that seriously the cure to a Dementor attack?  
Hermione: Well, chocolate does release endorphins, which is a chemical that makes people happier, so…  
Harry: Whatever. I’m outta here.

*in the Great Hall*  
Harry: *sees spots of red, yellow, green, and blue everywhere* What the hell did I miss?  
Percy: The Sorting Hat’s been misplaced, so Dumbledore gave paintball guns to Sprout, Flitwick, Snape, and Pomfrey to shoot the first years with.  
Harry: I knew we were forgetting something in the Chamber of Secrets.  
Ron: Should we do anything about it?  
Harry: Nah.  
Dumbledore: If I may have your attention please?  
Harry: Does something seem different about him this year?  
Ron: Like what?  
Harry: I’m not sure, but it’s like he’s a different person.  
Dumbledore: We have two new professors this year. First up, because we can’t be bothered writing two paycheques, our new Care of Magical Creatures professor is our gamekeeper Haggis.  
Hagrid: It’s ‘agrid, sir.  
Dumbledore: Oh, right, sorry Haggle. And the other one is our new Defence against the Dark Arts professor, Gilderoy Lockhart.  
Lupin: Um, sir? I’m Remus Lupin.  
Dumbledore: Alastor Moody, got it. Also, we’re being guarded by Dementors now, so don’t have a tragic backstory, or they’ll feast on your depression. Now get out of my office.  
Snape: Sir, we’re in the Great Hall.  
Dumbledore: Same difference *goes to sleep in his chair*  
Lupin: Erm…dismissed?  
Snape: What makes you think you have the right to say that, Loopy?  
Lupin: Look, Sevvy, I’m a teacher here now. Can’t we let bygones be bygones?  
Snape: Do you really think…  
Lupin: See? I knew we could be friends *Snape glares at him*  
Ron: Do you think they knew each other?  
Harry: Probably. Can we just end this chapter? This has gone way longer than I thought it would.


	6. Claws and Coffee Beans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trio start their third year at Hogwarts, with their first Divination and Care of Magical Creatures classes. And Malfoy GETS REKT!

Draco: *in mocking tone* Oh, look at me, I’m Harry Potter. Oh no, a scawy dementor. Oh, dear… *pretends to faint*  
Harry: Yeah, because I’m sure he was so calm while those things attacked.  
Fred: Don’t worry Harry, he wasn’t. He actually crapped his pants.  
Ron: What? Really?  
George: Well, we may have used the ‘crap your pants’ charm, but that’s irrelevant.  
Harry: There’s a charm for that?  
Fred: I was just seeing if faeces increases would do anything. It did.  
George: By the way, here are your timetables for the year.  
Ron: Hey, they screwed mine up. It says I have Divination, Muggle Studies, and Arithmancy at the same time.  
Hermione: That would be mine.  
Harry: Three classes at once? Hmm, if only you had some kind of magic to help you get to all of them…  
Hermione: Come on Harry, you’re not so daft to believe that magic exists, are you?  
Hagrid: ‘ey kids, pretty excited f’r me firs’ class wit’ ya this afternoon.  
Harry: Hagrid, why are you holding a dead polecat?  
Hagrid: Oh, this ol’ thing? I need it f’r me lesson.  
Harry: Not a comforting thought.  
Hagrid: Well, I better… *the polecat suddenly lifts it head. Hagrid grabs a butterknife a stabs it through the eye* …be goin’ *leaves*  
Harry: And I’ve lost my appetite. Let’s go to Divination.

*on their way there*  
Ron: Divination’s in the North tower. Now, if only we had a compass.  
Harry: I’m pretty sure a compass wouldn’t work in the castle’s strong magical field.  
Hermione: You mean electromagnetic, right?  
Harry: Whatever.  
???: Take that, ye dastardly beast. En garde. Ah-ha, gotcha.  
Ron: What is that? *goes around corner to see a knight in a picture frame* Who are you?  
Cadogan: HALT! Who goes there?  
Harry: Three students looking for the Divination classroom.  
Cadogan: Divination? WITCHCRAFT! I shall slay you. HIYAH! *stabs at the front of the portrait, does nothing to the trio*  
Harry: Right…we gotta go now.  
Cadogan: You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!  
*outside the Divination classroom*  
Dean: *looking up at trapdoor to classroom* So…how are we meant to get up there? *a ladder falls from the trapdoor* That doesn’t look safe.  
Harry: You mean like everything else in this damn castle?  
Seamus: Well, ladies first.  
Lavender: I’m wearing a skirt.  
Seamus: I know *gets punched in the face* Worth it.  
Ron: After you Harry.  
Harry: I object to this for the same reason as the girls.  
Ron: I know *gets punched in the face* Worth it.

*in the Divination classroom*  
Trelawny: Hello class, I am your teacher Sybil Trelawny. Before we begin, I’d like to tell Mr. Finnigan he is free to go to the Hospital Wing after he tries to balance a crystal ball on his dick.  
Seamus: Hey, I was not going to… *sees crystal ball* Hmm…  
Trelawny: Now in this class, we will *sickening crunch is heard, followed by Seamus leaving the classroom* learn about predicting the future. Or at least most of us will. One of our number will leave, sometime around Easter.  
Hermione: Is she threatening to kill one of us?  
Harry: Don’t worry, it’s around Easter. Whoever it is will probably be back three days later.  
Trelawny: Now, grab some tea cups, and we’ll start with tea leaves. Pantsless one, when you break a teacup, please take one of the blue ones.  
Neville: At least it’s not me this… *looks down* Oh…Maybe it’s one of the girls? They’re wearing skirts, not pants *drops teacup* Damn it.  
Trelawny: *pointing* And you, beware of the red-haired man.  
Harry: Was she pointing at me or Parvati?  
Parvati: Probably you. The only red-haired man I know is my new step-father, and he’s a nice enough man. Well, when he’s not drinking. In fact, just before we left for Hogwarts, he said I was growing up nicely, then put his hands on my shoulders. I’m not sure what happened afterwards…  
Harry: Please stop talking before we get banned.  
Trelawny: And your rabbit will die on October 16th.  
Lavender: Now that’s just mean.  
Trelawny: Now shut up, sit your asses down in those chairs, and drink your goddamn tea. But leave the dregs. We need those.

*later*  
Ron: So, what do you see in mine?  
Harry: I see you’ve drawn a dick with the tea leaves.  
Ron: Surely that still means something good, right?  
Harry: It actually means impotence.  
Ron: Aww…  
Harry: So what does mine say?  
Ron: Umm…is that a dog?  
Trelawny: Dog? Let me see that *grabs Harry’s cup* Oh no, nonononono.  
Harry: Let me guess, I’m gonna die?  
Trelawny: You can’t accept things like this so casually.  
Harry: Actually I can. Someone tried to kill me when I was a year old. Late in my first year, Quirrell tried to kill me to appease his master, who was on the back of his head cheering him on. I nearly died earlier this year from basilisk venom. Just yesterday before arriving at school I was told Sirius Black wants me dead, and a god damn dementor attacked me. So you can’t tell me that I’m going to die and expect me to be surprised by it.  
Trelawny: We’ll leave class here today.  
Hermione: But we still have fifteen minutes.  
Trelawny: Class dismissed.

*after class*  
Hermione: What a load of crap. I thought her class would be more about predicting the future based on educated guessing. Instead, we’re drinking tea and looking in crystal balls.  
Harry: Wow, you of all people are criticising a class.  
Hermione: I mean, I get that it makes it seem more authentic, but come on.  
Ron: Hey, we’ve still got ten minutes until Transfiguration. Did you want to see if there was any work to collect from the other classes you’re supposed to be doing now?  
Hermione: Erm…yeah, I better do that *runs off. Seconds later Hermione comes up behind them* I’m back guys.  
Harry: Wait, how did you…?  
Hermione: Never mind that. Come on, McGonagall will be mad if we’re late.

*in Transfiguration*  
McGonagall: Good morning class. How has your first day been?  
Harry: Well, apparently I’m going to die, so…that’s a thing.  
McGonagall: Divination first?  
Harry: Should I be concerned that you figured it out from that?  
McGonagall: Oh, she does this every year. She thinks it builds her status as a teacher.  
Harry: And the people she’s predicted the deaths of?  
McGonagall: Well, most of them are either in catatonic shock, mental institutes, or Azkaban, but not dead.  
Harry: That’s just most, not all, right?  
McGonagall: The only other one is Fred Weasley, so make of that what you will.  
Ron: Well now we know she’s full of shit. Where Fred goes, George goes. If she only said one will die, she’s clearly a loony.

*at lunch*  
Hermione: I honestly don’t know how Trelawny got that job. She probably tricked Dumbledore somehow.  
Harry: Wow Hermione, I’ve never seen you so mad at a teacher.  
Hermione: At least my arithmancy teacher seems competent, if a bit strict. That was a good lesson.  
Harry: You mean in the few minutes you were there?  
Hermione: Err…gotta get to Care of Magical Creatures *leaves*  
Harry: What the hell is she doing? Time travelling?  
Ron: Don’t be silly Harry. Time travelling is strictly forbidden.  
Harry: Wait, it’s actually a thing?  
Ron: Off to class.  
Harry: ANSWER ME DAMN IT!

*heading towards Hagrid’s hut*  
Draco: Oh, you’re taking this class too?  
Harry: Fuck off Malfoy.  
Draco: Let’s hope our first class isn’t about dementors.  
Harry: Yeah, you might crap your pants again.  
Draco: …fuck off Potter.  
Hagrid: Aw’ight, e’ryone ‘ere? I got somef’ng special for yeh toda’. Introducin’… ‘ippogriffs *nothing happens* I said, introducin’… ‘ippogriffs *still nothing happens* ‘old on, be right back *goes into woods* GET OUT THERE YA MORONS *horrible screeching and growling sounds, followed by three Hippogriffs being thrown into the paddock. Hagrid returns, covered in cuts and bruises* Introducin’… ‘ippogriffs.  
Harry: I’m already horrified at what you’re gonna ask us to do.  
Hagrid: Why yes ‘arry, you can pet one of ‘em.  
Harry: That not what I… *gets thrown into paddock by Hagrid. Starts backing away and keeping low* Nice horsey…nice horsey.  
Hagrid: That’s it ‘arry, compliment ‘em and bow. Now, if Buckbeak bows back… *Buckbeak bows* ‘E DID! Looks like ‘e’s gonna let yeh ride ‘im now.  
Harry: I really don’t want to… *Buckbeak throws Harry onto his back and flies out of the paddock* SON OF A BI… *flies off into the distance*  
Ron: Is he gonna be okay? *Buckbeak flies back to paddock, throwing Harry off his back violently*  
Harry: …TCH!  
Hagrid: Vereh good ‘arry. Now, ‘o wants a turn next?  
Draco: I’ll go. I mean, if this ugly brute will let Potter ride him, why not me?  
Hagrid: Err, yeh might not want to insult ‘im.  
Draco: Why? What’s the worst this glorified chicken donkey can do?  
*Buckbeak lets out ear-piercing screech and begins attacking Malfoy, who starts screaming in terror*  
Ron: Should we do something?  
Harry: Why? This is the best thing ever *gets sprayed by Malfoy’s blood* It’s so beautiful.  
Hagrid: *dragging Buckbeak off Malfoy* Right, aye think we’ll leave today’s lesson ‘ere, before aye get arrested again. You boy, can yeh get to the ‘ospital Wing?  
Draco: I was just mauled by that turkey mule. What do you… *Buckbeak breaks free of Hagrid and resumes its assault*

*that night*  
Hermione: Do you think Hagrid’s gonna be okay? I mean, his first class was interrupted by a student getting savaged.  
Harry: I know I’m okay with a class being interrupted by Malfoy getting savaged.  
Hermione: Let’s go see how he is.

*at Hagrid’s hut*  
Hermione: Hagrid, are you in there?  
Hagrid: *hiccup* Yeah…yeah, I’m *hiccup* here *opens door to let them in*  
Ron: Are you drinking to forget what happened today?  
Hagrid: What? No, I’m drinkin’ ‘coz I’m Scottish.  
Harry: How’s Malfoy?  
Hagrid: Oh, he’ll be fine. Jus’ a hangnail.  
Harry: Okay. Pretty sure I ended up with all his blood on me, but whatever.  
Hagrid: It was a pretty bad hangnail. On the plus side, he can’t sue me.  
Hermione: You do remember who his father is, right?  
Hagrid: …oh shit.


	7. Bogeyman in the Closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The thirds years have their first Defence Against The Dark Arts lesson for the year.

*on the way to Potions class*  
Draco: Oh, woe is me. I’m in so much pain.  
Harry: What the fuck are you talking about? You got a hangnail.  
Draco: It’s the emotional pain of losing my chance to be a hand model.  
Ron: You were planning on being a hand model?  
Draco: No, but now I’ve lost the opportunity to do it, so I’m gonna sue that giant oaf and have his seagull ass put down.  
Harry: There is no court on the planet that would convict Hagrid for something so petty, especially since he warned you about the dangers of pissing off a hippogriff.  
Draco: Are you forgetting who my father is?  
Harry: …shit.

*in Potions class*  
Snape: Okay class, today we are making a shrinking solution, since I want Mr. Finnigan to do something to his dick with it and amuse me.  
Seamus: Oh, uh, sorry Professor Snape, but someone already punched me in the dick.  
Snape: Mr. Finnigan, no-one has punched you in the… *Seamus punches himself in the dick* Mr. Finnigan, I will take ten points from Gryffindor if you go to the Hospital Wing for that.  
Seamus: Don’t judge me, classmates *leaves*  
Dean: Don’t worry buddy, this is par for the course for you now.  
Snape: As for the rest of you, get to work. Mr. Longbottom, I’m taking five points from Gryffindor.  
Neville: What did I do?  
Snape: I don’t know yet, but it’s pre-emptive of what you’re going to do. Plus, I want to see what yours does to your toad.  
Draco: Professor Snape, I can’t make the potion. I could mess my hand up more and completely ruin any chance of redeeming my hand model dreams.  
Harry: You just said you don’t want to be a hand model.  
Snape: How dare you mock young Malfoy’s dream. Five points from Gryffindor, ten if you don’t do Malfoy’s work for him.  
Harry: Fuck my life.  
Ron: Okay.  
Harry: GOD DAMN IT RON! It’s a figure of speech.

*later*  
Snape: Times up Longbottom. What have you got for me?  
Hermione: Sir, we still have twenty minutes of class.  
Snape: I’m aware, but I already missed out on Finnigan mutilating himself. I want some fun today *feeds Trevor Neville’s potion. Trevor becomes a giant* Longbottom, what the hell did you do?  
Neville: Exactly as the book said. I added a splash of cowbane, a rat spleen, four juiced leeches…  
Snape: You read the instructions in reverse you nitwit. Twenty points from Gryffindor. Now, let’s shrink it back, before… *Trevor burped, covering Snape in slime. Gryffindor kids laugh* A hundred points from Gryffindor.  
Dean: So worth it.

*after class*  
Harry: So Hermione, what have we got next? *turns around and sees she’s not there* Hermione?  
Ron: She was right behind us, right?  
Hermione: Don’t be silly Ron, I’m in front of you now.  
Harry: How the fuck do you keep doing that?  
Hermione: Come on, after lunch we have Defence against the Dark Arts.  
Harry: ANSWER ME DAMN IT!

*at Defence against the Dark Arts*  
Ron: Where’s Professor Lupin?  
Harry: Well, he slept through most of the train ride, so maybe he’s nursing a hangover?  
Hermione: Hopefully he didn’t get lost in the castle. It can get kind of confusing sometimes.  
Harry: Wouldn’t he have been a student here when he was a kid? Would the castle have changed so much since then?  
Ron: Given what Fred and George are capable of, yes.  
Lupin: *running into the room* Books away, today’s a practical lesson.  
Harry: No books? I like this guy already.  
Hermione: Did he say books away?  
Lupin: Indeed I did.  
Hermione: But…we’re in class.  
Lupin: And this class is a practical one, so we don’t need books.  
Hermione: …I’m sorry, I don’t think those words can be used in a sentence like that.  
Harry: Good work. Five minutes into class and you broke Hermione.  
Lupin: Everyone to the staff room.  
Harry: …not what I was expecting to hear, but okay.

*at the staff room*  
Snape: What are you kids doing in here?  
Lupin: I invited them here.  
Snape: …why?  
Lupin: *pointing at the shaking closet* That.  
Snape: *suddenly smiling* You know? I think Longbottom would like to deal with the boggart.  
Lupin: Excellent idea.  
Entire class: Terrible idea.  
Lupin: Neville, would you like to come forward?  
Neville: No.  
Lupin: Don’t worry, a boggart is completely harmless, as long as you can confront your greatest fear.  
Neville: What if he’s in the room with us?  
Lupin: *looks at Snape* I see…you live with your grandmother, right?  
Neville: …yeah?  
Lupin: Can you picture Snape wearing your grandmother’s clothes?  
Neville: I don’t think I want to.  
Lupin: Great. Now, I’m going to open this door, and you just have to cast the spell Riddikulus.  
Neville: Say what? *Lupin opens the closet door, and Snape steps out, towering over Neville* Ri…Riddikulus *a loud crack, and then Boggart-Snape was wearing Neville’s grandmother’s clothes*  
Snape: Did…did Longbottom just get a spell right?  
Lupin: He sure did Sevvy.  
Snape: *heavy sigh* Damn it, I just can’t have any fun today *leaves*

Lupin: Alright kids, line up. Think of your greatest fears, then make them not scary.  
Harry: That’ll be easy. I’ll just imagine Voldemort’s nose falling off…oh wait *suddenly flashbacks to Dementor on the train* Is that thought going to plague me forever?  
Lupin: Alright Dean, let’s see what you got.  
Dean: *steps up, Boggart transforms into a KKK member* Oh, you racist motherfucker. I was supposed to have a disembodied hand. This is…Riddikulus *white uniform turns black* That’s much better.  
Lupin: Very good. Seamus, let’s see what you got.  
Seamus: *steps up, Boggart turns into Madam Pomfrey* What…  
Boggart-Pomfrey: I’m sorry Mr. Finnigan, but we’re going to have to amputate your dick.  
Seamus: Riddikulus *there’s a loud crack, but nothing seems to happen* Uh oh…  
Boggart-Pomfrey: Did I say amputate? I meant enlarge.  
Seamus: HELL YEAH!  
Lupin: Okay Ron, let’s see what hilariously wrong thing your boggart is.  
Ron: *steps up, boggart turns into giant spider* Goddamn it. Riddikulus *spider’s legs fall off* HA! Now you can’t get me *spider starts rolling towards him* SON OF A BITCH!  
Lupin: Stand back *boggart turns into a full moon* Riddikulus *turns into a cockroach* Well, that’s enough for today…  
Neville: Not yet *walks up to boggart, which turns back into Snape. Neville starts kicking it* FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKING DOUCHE FUCKING COCKSUCKING BULLSHIT FAGGOT ASSHOLE *continues kicking the shit out of Boggart-Snape*  
Lupin: Neville, stop. It’s over.  
Neville: No it’s… *sees bloody red mess on the floor* Oh…  
Lupin: Err…class dismissed?

*outside class*  
Dean: I wonder why Lupin’s scared of crystal balls? Is it supposed to represent the future?  
Seamus: A crystal ball? Nah, it was the moon. He’s scared of the dark.  
Random Ravenclaw second year: The moon’s made of cheese. Maybe he’s lactose intolerant?  
Harry: Who the hell are you? Get out of here kid.  
Random Ravenclaw second year: You just wait until I’m a main character.


	8. The Fleeing of the Obese Woman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something something Hogsmeade something something Fat Lady attacked something something Sirius Black. Have you seriously not read the book?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys. So…it came to my attention in the reviews for last chapter that writing in a script format on fanfiction dot net is actually against the rules. Which I had to double check the rules to verify. However, seeing as how 1) no-one else has complained in the two years I’ve been doing this, 2) the story hasn’t been taken down yet, and 3) I’ve got little to no time between work, writing my novel (first draft of which is about 90 – 95% complete), and my computer now being on its last legs, I’m going to continue writing in a script format for now. However, to avoid having this fic taken down, I may at some point (probably once I’ve finished editing my novel) have to redo Harry Potter Abridged. And I mean the whole thing, not just this one. Hopefully in the meantime this fic will remain up (worst case, it’ll always be up on Archive of Our Own). In the meantime, enjoy the new chapter.

*in Potions class*  
Snape: Now students, today we shall be learning about uncommon poisons, and testing each one on Longbottom before giving him the antidote at the last second.  
Neville: No.  
Snape: *staring in shock at him* What did you say to me?  
Neville: I’m sick of being your punching bag. Today’s the day I fight back.  
Harry: Is he gonna do what I think he’s gonna do?  
Neville: *charging at Snape* FUCK YOU MOTHERFU… *gets knocked over with one punch from Snape*  
Snape: Well Longbottom, that took balls. Balls I honestly didn’t know you had.  
Neville: So you’re not going to take any points from me?  
Snape: Oh heavens no, I’m sending Gryffindor’s score back to the negatives. But only because you fucked up in the most spectacular way possible.

Draco: It’s all that stupid Professor Lupin’s fault. He made Longbottom think he was important.  
Harry: What do you have against him? Other than the fact that he’s the first non-evil, non-bullshit artist Defence against the Dark Arts teacher we’ve had.  
Draco: He’s too perfect. He’s obviously harbouring some deep dark secret that could ruin his career. Daddy’s even hired a private investigator to find out stuff about him, so when we get some dirt we can write to our congresswoman and have him removed.  
Hermione: Uh-huh. And how’s that going for you?  
Draco: Well, so far all we’ve learned is that he’s particularly hairy, his toenail clippings are a weird shape, and for someone without a pet he goes through a lot of dog food, but other than that…  
Ron: Did your father really hire an investigator, or have you just been going through his garbage?  
Draco: …fuck off Weasley. I have to get started for him, since he’s busy suing that dumbass gameskeeper.  
Harry: You mean the one that told you not to piss off a hippogriff seconds before you pissed off a hippogriff? Seriously, because of you we’ve had to study flobberworms for the last few weeks.  
Draco: …fuck you Potter.  
Fangirls: SQUEEEEEEE!  
*later, on the Quidditch pitch*  
Oliver: Alright team, this is it. This is my last year as team captain, and I intend to use it to win the House Cup. And with a team like this, I think we can do it. We have three chasers who love nothing more than putting balls in holes, the twins can beat anyone off, a seeker who gives us golden showers, and me, who will cover our rear entrance.  
Fred: Did you intentionally phrase it like that?  
Oliver: Phrase what like what?  
George: Never mind him Oliver. What matters is we’ve got wood. Every single one of us.  
Oliver: Oh, thank you George, though I don’t get why everyone’s snickering. Now, let’s show ‘em what this wood can do…STOP LAUGHING!

*in the common room later*  
Harry: *seeing everyone crowded around the noticeboard* What’s going on?  
Ron: First Hogsmeade visit. It’s gonna be awesome, isn’t it Har…oh, wait.  
Percy: Don’t worry Harry, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.  
Harry: Really?  
Percy: Yeah…well, except for Honeydukes…and the Three Broomsticks…and the Shrieking Shack…and the…  
Harry: I get it. Everything there is awesome.  
Hermione: Don’t worry Harry, we’ll bring you back something.  
Ron: Says you. Nothing I buy will make it as far as the castle grounds.  
Harry: I thought you loved me.  
Ron: I will bring you back one of everything *sees Crookshanks eyeing his bag* Hermione, your cat wants to eat Scabbers again.  
Hermione: Of course he does. That’s what cats do.  
Ron: You’re way too indifferent about this.  
Hermione: Well, I mean, he is old.  
Ron: What are you trying to say?  
Hermione: What I mean is, euthanasia might be a mercy for him…*Scabbers’s ears prick up* See, he’s listening.  
Harry: He looks more paranoid than anything.  
Hermione: Don’t worry, I doubt Crookshanks would attack Scabbers without my command *Crookshanks attacks Scabbers without her command* Huh, so this is what being wrong feels like.  
Ron: *kicking Crookshanks across the room* Bloody ginger cat. It’s like it hasn’t got a soul.  
Harry: Pot talking to kettle Ron.

*the next day, in Herbology*  
Hermione: Harry, can you ask Ron how Scabbers is?  
Harry: Ron, Hermione wants to know how…  
Ron: I heard her. Harry, tell Hermione that he’s still shaking and traumatised.  
Harry: Ron says he’s still…  
Hermione: I heard him. Harry, tell Ron I’m sorry.  
Harry: Ron, Hermione says she’s…  
Ron: I heard her. Harry, tell Hermione…  
Harry: Goddamn it, if you can hear each other, just talk to each other.  
Hermione: Ron, Harry says we should just talk this out.  
Harry: And this has officially gotten stupid.  
Ron: Hermione, Harry says this has gotten stupid.  
Harry: Of course, it can always get worse.

*later, just before Transfiguration*  
Parvati: Lavender, what’s wrong?  
Lavender: My mum sent me a letter today saying my rabbit was eaten by a fox.  
Parvati: What did you expect? It’s October 16th.  
Hermione: Obviously Trelawny is so deranged that she went through the student files, found where Lavender lives, and released a fox to kill the rabbit. Nothing to worry about.  
Harry: I think a teacher going to a student’s house to murder their pet just to be right about something is plenty to worry about.  
McGonagall: Hello class. Before we begin, I want to inform those of you going to Hogsmeade that you need to hand me your permission slips *Neville raises his hand* Mr. Longbottom, your grandmother already mailed yours directly to me. Something about you being such a bumbling oaf you forget that you have a Remembrall specifically designed to help you remember these things.  
Neville: *lowering his hand* I have a Remembrall?  
Harry: Professor, my legal guardians are asses.  
McGonagall: I’m aware.  
Harry: So can I go to Hogsmeade?  
McGonagall: Did they sign the form?  
Harry: Well, no, but…I kind of see you as a mother?  
McGonagall: As flattering as that is, the answer is no. And good thing too, since you’re supposed to be getting killed at some point.  
Harry: This is discrimination against kids who have assholes looking after them.  
McGonagall: Then find a better guardian.  
Harry: I don’t have any.  
McGonagall: *eye twitch* Yes, of course not.

*Halloween morning*  
Hermione: Well, we’re off to Hogsmeade.  
Ron: We’ll bring you something back…maybe.  
Harry: Wait, weren’t you two fighting?  
Ron: Sorry Harry, couldn’t hear you over all the fun we’re about to have *leaves with Hermione*  
Harry: Well, guess I’ll just hang out here then.  
Colin: Hey Harry, wanna take a few selfies with me?  
Harry: Oh, sorry Colin, I just remembered I have to be in literally any place that isn’t this one *runs out of the Common Room*  
Colin: It’s okay, we can take selfies there *follows him*

*on the second floor*  
Harry: There’s gotta be somewhere to hide in this bloody castle.  
Lupin: Harry? Is that you?  
Harry: HIDE ME! *dives into Lupin’s office*  
Lupin: From who?  
Harry: Shh *listens at the door*  
Colin: Harry? Where are you? I even bought a selfie stick to take pictures.  
Lupin: Ah, I see. Better to hide out here for a couple of hours. Tea?  
Harry: Actually…  
Lupin: Ah, right, you’re probably sick of it after all Trelawney’s lessons.  
Harry: Really? You’ve heard too?  
Lupin: Harry, please. We all had a good laugh about it in the staff room after McGonagall told us about it.  
Harry: You laughed about a student getting a death threat?  
Lupin: Actually, we were laughing at Snape because he bet on Neville getting the death threat.  
Harry: YOU TOOK FUCKING BETS ON WHO WOULD GET TOLD THEY’RE GOING TO DIE?!  
Lupin: Err…so what do you think of my classes so far?  
Harry: Don’t change the subject.  
Lupin: Personally, I think everyone performed exceptionally in the boggart one.  
Harry: I didn’t even get to try it. Speaking of which, why not?  
Lupin: Well, I don’t know about you, but I think Voldemort materialising in the staffroom wouldn’t be a good idea.  
Harry: I’m not scared of him. Our scoreboard is currently 3-0 in my favour. If anything, I’m scared of…hey, wait, you changed the…

Snape: *appearing suddenly* Remus, I’ve got your…thing.  
Harry: Where the fuck did you come from? Also, why is that goblet smoking?  
Snape: That’s for me to know and you to find out. Not that we want you to find out, you just will because that’s your job as main protagonist.  
Lupin: Thank you for making it Sevvy *takes a sip from goblet*  
Snape: You’re lucky I’m under orders from Dumbledore, or I’d get you and your oddly descriptive name kicked out of this school *leaves*  
Harry: What is that stuff?  
Lupin: It’s…uh…something for a cold.  
Harry: Shouldn’t Pomfrey being giving you that? And besides, you’ve been fine this whole time.  
Lupin: Err…cough cough. Oh dear, I seem to be getting worse. You better go before you catch it.  
Harry: Are you aware Snape hates you and wants your job?  
Lupin: Yes and yes. Off you go *pushes Harry out the door*  
Harry: Guess I’ll find out what that’s about at the end of the book.

*later*  
Ron: Well Harry *dumps down a large bag of candy* One of everything. Now, about my reward…  
Harry: Oh, right *pats Ron on the back* Nice work buddy.  
Ron: That’s not what I…  
Harry: So, Snape’s trying to kill Lupin.  
Hermione: Yeah, probably. Have you seen the way they look at each other?  
Harry: That makes it sound like people ship them. Oh, who am I kidding? There’s like a million fanfics of this series. Surely one of them does.  
Hermione: Hey, anyone notice that no-one’s entering the tower? *suddenly notice the crowd outside the portrait hole*  
Harry: I wonder if this’ll explain the chapter title *sees the Fat Lady’s portrait torn to shreds* Yep.  
McGonagall: What the hell happened here?  
Percy: Someone’s wrecked the Fat Lady’s shit.  
McGonagall: But who would do something like that?  
Peeves: Oh, I wonder. I wonder indeed.  
McGonagall: Peeves, do you know something?  
Peeves: Maybe.  
McGonagall: [i]PEEVES![/i]  
Peeves: But why should I tell you Sirius Black is behind this? *horrified gasps from everyone* Oops, did I let that slip? Oh well *laughs maniacally as he flies away from stunned Gryffindors*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just think. Next time I upload a chapter of this, I’ll have a full first draft for my novel, and be in the process of editing it. I might let some of you read it, but first I want to make it as awesome as possible. Until next time guys.


	9. Terrible Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rowling spoils the ending of the chapter in the title.

McGonagall: Okay students, this is no time to panic…  
Dumbledore: Sirius Black’s in the school? EVERYONE PANIC! *terrified students start running everywhere*  
McGonagall: God fucking damn it Albus. Students, to the Great Hall. Now!  
Dumbledore: Do as she says. She sounds like she knows what she’s talking about.  
Harry: Aren’t you supposed to be the Headmaster?  
Dumbledore: I am? Whose brilliant idea was that?

*in the Great Hall*  
McGonagall: I’m not sure it was necessary to gather all the students in here.  
Dumbledore: You can never be too safe Minerva.  
McGonagall: He only attacked the Gryffindor tower.  
Dumbledore: But now they get to have a slumber party.  
McGonagall: …whatever. I give up. Just…do whatever.  
Dumbledore: Excellent. Now children, time to go to sleep *closes door. Great Hall immediately erupts in excited chatter*  
Ron: How the hell’d he even get in here?  
Harry: Well, he already inexplicably slipped past the dementors once. Do you really think he couldn’t do it again?  
Hermione: We’re up seven flights of stairs, and he did it during the day. That’s just not practical.  
Fred: Do you know how many secret passageways are in this school?  
Harry: Do you?  
George: …maybe *hiding something in his sleeping bag*

*later that night*  
Percy: Professor Dumbledore, any sign of him?  
Dumbledore: Any sign of who?  
Percy: Sirius Black sir.  
Dumbledore: Of course not. Why would he be here? He graduated in the 70’s.  
Percy: Err…right sir *leaves*  
Snape: Sir, I believe he couldn’t have gotten in without outside help…  
Dumbledore: Why not?  
Snape: Well, with the dementors around the grounds…  
Dumbledore: Why are there dementors here? Send them away at once.  
Snape: But sir, with an escaped maniac on the loose…  
Dumbledore: Escaped maniac? Why didn’t you say so? Call Azkaban, see if they have some spare dementors to protect the school.  
Snape: …right away sir.

*the next day*  
Ron: I wonder how they’re going to cover the Gryffindor Tower now.  
Hermione: Isn’t it obvious?  
Ron: What do you mean?  
Hermione: Well, what other pictures have we spoken to in the last three years?  
Harry: You don’t mean…  
Cadogan: HALT! Who goes there? The witch and her friends? I’ll get you this time.  
Harry: And we’re out of here.  
Percy: Allow me to come with you.  
Harry: …why?  
Percy: …no reason.  
Harry: Is this to do with Sirius Black?  
Percy: What? No…no…  
Harry: Percy…  
Percy: …err…off to class you three.

*later, at Quidditch practice*  
Oliver: Okay guys, I just got word that we will not be playing Slytherin in the first game.  
Katie: Really? Why?  
Oliver: I was speaking to Flint earlier...  
Harry: Wait, wasn’t he in his sixth year when I started here?  
Angelina: Well, he _is_ part troll…  
Alicia: So, who are we playing?  
Oliver: Hufflepuff.  
Fred: Excellent. We have a bye-round.  
Oliver: I feel like you guys aren’t taking this seriously. They have this new Seeker, Cedric Diggory…  
George: Who? He hasn’t even appeared in this series yet. And honestly, who takes Hufflepuff seriously?  
Oliver: …fair point.  
Harry: Also, why is Madam Hooch here?  
Hooch: *eye twitch* No reason.  
Harry: Is McGonagall paranoid that Sirius Black’s going to kill me here and now?  
Hooch: *eye twitch* No…  
Harry: Really?  
Hooch: She asked what I’d do for a Klondike bar and I said anything. How was I supposed to respond to her request?  
Harry: Fair enough.

*the day before the match*  
Harry: *bursting into Defence against the Dark Arts classroom* Sorry I’m late Professor Lu…  
Snape: Why hello Potter.  
Harry: OH FUCK NO!  
Snape: Since you are five minutes late, I’ll be taking five points from Gryffindor. Now, take your seat *Harry takes his seat* So, now that I’ve taken ten points off Gryffindor…  
Harry: You said five.  
Snape: I anticipated you interrupting me on this point and pre-emptively took the extra five points off. Now, turn to page three hundred and ninety four.  
Ron: But we’re not that far through the book yet.  
Snape: And I decided you will learn about _werewolves_ right now.  
Hermione: Why did you say that in italics?  
Snape: Now, who can tell me the difference between _werewolves_ and regular wolves?  
Harry: Is he hinting at an important plot point?  
Snape: Has Professor Lupin not told you about _werewolves_? I’m surprised he of all people hasn’t taught you about _werewolves_.  
Ron: Sir, are you implying that Professor Lupin is a werewolf?  
Snape: What a preposterous accusation. Detention.  
Ron: Doing what?  
Snape: Cleaning all the bedpans in the Hospital Wing without magic.  
Ron: That doesn’t sound too bad.  
Snape: Excellent. Now that Weasley is licking bedpans…  
Ron: You just said without magic.  
Snape: I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further.

*early the next day*  
Harry: *feeling something blowing in his ear* Huhwha?  
???: Wake up Harry, it’s time for the game. Help me find Scabbers.  
Harry: Hold on Ron, I’m getting… *sees clock reading 4am* DAMN IT RON!  
Peeves: Err…yes, Ron. Bad Ron. Bye *slips through floor, turning to face someone* Sorry buddy, couldn’t trick him to come down.  
Sirius: It’s okay Peeves, I have a Plan B for getting him to be here alone with me.  
*back in the dormitory*  
Harry: Well, not gonna get back to sleep now. Might as well… *sees Crookshanks sneaking towards Ron’s bed* NO! Bad cat *picks up Crookshanks and takes him down to the Common Room* There are much fatter rats elsewhere in the castle. Go chase them.  
???: *from somewhere else in the castle* GOD DAMN IT!  
Harry: …okay. Off to breakfast.

*at breakfast*  
Oliver: Okay, we shouldn’t worry too much about the game, even if it is in freezing rain, gale force winds, and the chapter’s title is a spoiler. As you guys said, it’s only Hufflepuff.  
Harry: And you jinxed it.  
Oliver: Why? It’s not like Sirius Black is going to turn up during the game and almost kill you.  
George: I want you to remember those words in a few hours from now.

*during the game*  
Harry: Damn rain, I can’t see a thing right now *collides with something* Oh, sorry, whoever you are.  
Bludger: Next time watch where you’re going asshole *flies off*  
Harry: Wait, what? Whatever, that’s probably the weirdest thing that’ll happen to… *sees a black dog in an empty part of the stands* How did no-one notice that thing enter the arena? *looks again, it’s gone* Good, I was just imagining…  
Dementor: _Sirius Black is here. Nom on Black._  
Harry: Are you fucking kidding me?  
Dementor: _Wait…tragic backstory main protagonist nearby. Much better noms._  
Harry: Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck…  
Unknown female voice: No, leave him alone. Take me instead.  
Harry: What the fu…

*later, in the Hospital Wing*  
Harry: …ck? Wait, what?  
Ron: You’re alive! Thank God, you must have fell fifty feet.  
Hermione: Don’t be ridiculous Ron. The rain obviously impaired our ability to judge distance, and the mud cushioned his fall.  
Harry: What actually happened?  
Hermione: Well, the dementors flew in, they seemed to be focused on an empty stand, then they saw you, I’m presuming because they were checking to see if you were okay, then you got such a fright you fell off your broom.  
Harry: I know that. What about the game?  
Hermione: Oh, right. You lost.  
Harry: We lost to fucking HUFFLEPUFF?!  
Hermione: Also, this *empties bag of sticks and twigs onto Harry’s bed. The last piece to fall out has the words Nimbus 2000 in golden letters*  
Harry: *quiet, shocked voice* …no.  
Hermione: I know. I spent good money on that broomstick cleaning kit, and… *sees Harry glaring at her* What?


	10. The Pillager’s Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fred and George reveal the key to their success: the Marauder's Map. Also, expedition galore summarised as Hagrid's drunken outburst.

Pomfrey: Must you keep that fagot on your bed?  
Harry: What are you talking about? Ron’s not here.  
Pomfrey: No, I meant the bundle of sticks.  
Harry: But it’s all that’s left of my old broomstick.  
Pomfrey: And we need to keep that fire burning. It’s freezing in here.  
Harry: Are you allowed to burn a student’s stuff?  
Pomfrey: I can if it has bubonic plague on it.  
Harry: It doesn’t have…  
Pomfrey: *grabs broomstick remains and throws them in the fire* Trust me, I’m a doctor…kind of. Also, your friends are here *Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and the Gryffindor team enter*  
Hermione: How are you today?  
Harry: Well, the remains of my broomstick are burning over there, and some unholy demons want to suck me dry.  
Ron: Speaking of sucking…  
Harry: God damn it, not now Ron.  
Oliver: Don’t worry Harry *through clenched teeth* It wasn’t your fault.  
Harry: You don’t honestly blame me for that, do you?  
Oliver: …I mean, it was Hufflepuff…  
Harry: _WOOD!_  
Ginny: I brought you a get well card. It plays music based on what the person who gave it to you is like and how they feel about you.  
Harry: Okay… *opens card, a Black Veil Brides song starts playing* And can apparently play music from eighteen years in the future. Nice.

*Monday*  
Draco: Ah, it’s good to have use of both hands again. Even if one is horribly disfigured for the rest of my life.  
Ron: What disfigurement?  
Draco: This one *flips Ron off*  
Snape: Weasley, how dare you make Draco flip you off. Twenty points from Gryffindor.  
Ron: You’re not teaching Defence against the Dark Arts again, are you?  
Snape: You make it sound like I couldn’t teach that class. That’s another thirty points gone.

*later*  
Ron: Please tell me Snape isn’t in there.  
Lupin: He’s not.  
Class: WOOHOO!  
Lupin: He covered one class. How bad could he have been?  
Harry: He was very insistent we learn about werewolves. Any idea why that might have been?  
Lupin: *eye twitch* No, of course not. Why would I know what that asshole who wants my job was planning?

*at the end of class*  
Lupin: Harry, can I have a word?  
Harry: Is it good news or bad news?  
Lupin: What does it matter? I’m the teacher, and I’m telling you to stay behind.  
Harry: ...you got me. What is it?  
Lupin: I heard about the match.  
Harry: Of course you did. Dumbledore gave a full interview about it to the Daily Prophet, thinking they were the Azkaban wardens.  
Lupin: Of course he did. I just wanted to let you know I’m here if you ever want to talk about anything. You know, offer fatherly advice and such.  
Harry: …okay, kinda creepy. I mean, it’s not like you knew my dad or anything.  
Lupin: Well, you see Harry…  
Harry: Wait, if you were sick last lesson, why weren’t you in the Hospital Wing when I was there over the weekend?  
Lupin: That’s kind of a…  
Harry: Hey, I just had an idea. If you’re a Defence against the Dark Arts teacher, can you teach me to fight back against the dementors?  
Lupin: …well, yeah, but…  
Harry: Great, because I don’t really want to hear my mum dying whenever they come near me.  
Lupin: Wait, what?  
Harry: Yeah, last time they came near me, I heard a woman’s voice begging for me to be spared. Kinda don’t want to hear that again.  
Lupin: *sigh* Fine, I’ll teach you. No need to guilt trip me.

*several weeks later*  
Hermione: Great news Harry, we’re staying for the holidays.  
Ron: And there’s another Hogsmeade visit coming up.  
Harry: Only half of what Hermione said was great news.  
Hermione: Don’t worry, we’ll bring you back some stuff. Hey, we can make it our Christmas shopping.  
Harry: Aren’t Christmas presents meant to be a surprise?  
Hermione: You’re right. Do either of you remember the memory charm Lockhart wanted to use on you?  
Harry: No.  
Ron: Wasn’t it _Obli_ …  
Harry: *covering Ron’s mouth* No, we definitely forgot it.  
Ron: Oh come on Harry, I use it on you all the time.  
Harry: WHAT?!  
Ron: _Obliviate_ *hits Harry with the spell*  
Harry: What were we talking about?

*morning of the trip*  
???: Harry? Oh, Harry?  
Harry: I see red hair beckoning me, so I’m already suspicious *sees Fred and George* Well, it could have been worse. And I’m horrified I can say that about you two.  
George: We have a present for you *reveals a blank piece of parchment*  
Harry: Great, a blank space. Should I write your name?  
Fred: Ah, poor Harry, you don’t know the secrets of this parchment. For you see, you are about to do something bad because of us, since I solemnly swear that I am up to no good *parchment suddenly becomes detailed map of the castle*  
Harry: I have several questions. First of all, where did you…  
George: Filch’s office.  
Harry: Of course. But why did you…  
Fred: It was marked Highly Dangerous.  
Harry: And how did you figure out…  
George: Random guessing mostly.  
Harry: Somehow, I feel like I should have known all that *sees title of map* Now, who are Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs?  
Fred: Knowing young adult literature, it’ll either be revealed by the end of this book, or remain a mystery forever.  
George: Anyway, this map not only shows you the entire school, but also where everyone is at any given moment.  
Harry: What about the Chamber of Secrets?  
Fred: Well…no, but…  
Harry: So, last year your sister unleashed a dangerous monster into the school, and you had the means to figure out who did it, AND YOU CHOSE NOT TO?!  
George: Of course not, McGonagall would have confiscated this again if we’d told her.  
Harry: THAT was your concern?  
Fred: Harry, come on. It’s us.  
Harry: …fair point. So, you’re giving me this because…?  
George: Who said anything about giving it to you? We just want you to come with us to Hogsmeade.  
Harry: I’m interested but suspicious.

George: Now, there are seven passage ways to get to Hogsmeade.  
Harry: Sweet.  
Fred: Except only one of them is safe or possible to travel along.  
Harry: …great.  
George: And it’s right across the hall from here.  
Harry: And you needed to tell me about your most prized possession when you could have just as easily shown me the passage because…?  
Fred: It was a way to make you trust us.  
Harry: The only thing I trust about you two is that some shit is going to go down.  
George: Exactly. If we’re caught, we’d prefer people to know it was us that did it.  
Harry: …whatever.

*later, in Honeyduke’s basement*  
Harry: *coming out of a trapdoor* Well, I guess we’re here.  
Fred: Excellent. George, grab the stuff.  
Harry: Wait, what?  
George: *pushing a crate of Chocolate Frogs down the hole* Hey, if we’re going down, we’re taking someone with us.  
Harry: You’re making me an accessory to theft?  
Fred: *pushing a crate of Peppermint Toads down the hole* Hey, we’ll give you some of the loot if we get away with it.  
George: And maybe some of the profits.  
Unseen woman’s voice: Honey, we’re running low on Jelly Slugs.  
Unseen man’s voice: Don’t you mean “Honey _dukes_ ”? Eh? Eh?  
Unseen woman’s voice: We don’t have kids, you can’t make those jokes.  
Fred: Shit, gotta go *jumps down trapdoor, followed by Goerge, closing trapdoor behind them*  
Harry: Those assholes *hears door opening* Crap *hides behind a box. Sees it marked Jelly Slugs* Damn it *hides behind another box, sees it marked More Jelly Slugs* Son of a bitch *hides behind another box, sees it marked Even More Jelly Slugs* Oh, COME ON!  
Unseen man’s voice: Hmm, I wonder what’s happening in this underused corner of my store?  
Harry: Alright, fuck this *sneaks upstairs, runs into Ron and Hermione*

Ron: Harry! Now all my fantasies can come true.  
Hermione: How did you even get here?  
Harry: *pulls out Marauder’s Map* Fred and George used this secret map, which I stole, to sneak in and rob the store.  
Ron: Why didn’t they ever tell me about this map? I’m their brother.  
Hermione: It concerns me that you are more concerned they didn’t tell you about the map than the fact they robbed a candy shop. Harry, you should hand that map over to Professor McGonagall.  
Harry: Fuck that. I must have got it for some important plot point. I’m keeping it. Plus, if Sirius Black is hiding in the castle, I want to know about it BEFORE he disembowels me.  
Ron: Exactly. Let’s go for Butterbeer.

*later, and The Three Broomsticks*  
Harry: *finishing his tankard of Butterbeer* Ah, delicious. And with no chance of me getting caught…wait, the fact that the author has me saying this means that… *sees McGonagall, Flitwick, Hagrid, and Fudge enter the pub* Yep, as I thought *hides under the table*  
Hermione: _Mobiliarbus_ *nearby Christmas tree moves in front of them*  
Flitwick: Did that tree just move?  
Harry: No.  
Hagrid: Well, the tree would know better than us.  
Bar Lady: Okay, who ordered the gillywater? *McGonagall raises her hand* Enjoy your gills. The mulled mead? *Hagrid raises hand, Bar Lady lifts large bucket onto the table* Cherry syrup and soda with ice and umbrella? *Flitwick raises hand* I brought the smallest glass we had. And that means you had the redcurrant rum minister?  
Fudge: Indeed Miss Vane. Would you like to join us?  
Vane: Are you kidding? Have you seen how busy the bar is?  
Fudge: I am the Minister of Magic. I order you to sit with us.  
Vane: Am I relevant to the conversation?  
Fudge: Only so that we can reveal information that Harry Potter shouldn’t know to someone else that doesn’t know it, and since he clearly isn’t here, that shouldn’t be a problem.  
Harry: You have my undivided attention.  
Hagrid: See, the tree’s interested.  
McGonagall: Why does it sound like Potter?  
Hagrid: Who cares? It’s not like ‘e’s going to hear about ‘is father and Sirius Black being best friends when they were in school, so much so that Sirius Black is ‘arry’s godfather.  
Flitwick: Umm, Hagrid?  
Hagrid: Or that Sirius Black betrayed ‘is parents to Voldemort? I even comforted the bastard at the Potter’s burned out place before taking ‘arry on Black’s motorbike to those filthy muggles, despite ‘is insistence on taking ‘im ‘imself.  
Fudge: Hagrid?  
Hagrid: And then ‘e murdered their other friend Peter Pettigrew. Yep, that was definitely Black, the evil bastard. Probably wants to ‘elp Voldemort or something.  
McGonagall: Shut up Hagrid. That’s way too much exposition for one chapter. Though it’s interesting how much you seem to insist on Black’s guilt…


	11. The Flamearrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry receives a mysterious gift for Christmas, conveniently right after his last broomstick was destroyed and a newer, faster broomstick was introduced earlier in the book.

Hermione: Harry? Are you okay? Do you need anything?  
Harry: Yeah, I need to sneak back into Honeydukes.  
Hermione: Harry, we’re already back in the common room.  
Harry: What? *sees where is he* How the hell’d I get back here?  
Hermione: Well, after McGonagall and the others left, Ron insisted that you’d gone into catatonic shock, so he took you to the restroom to recover, despite your insistence to the contrary.  
Harry: I don’t remember that happening.  
Ron: See, I must have been right then.  
Harry: Look, all I know is that Sirius Black is the only person who can sign my Hogsmeade permission slip, so…  
Hermione: It concerns me that all you took from that meeting is that you can leave the school with the permission of a psychopath.  
Harry: And you’re not concerned about the fact that I don’t remember coming back here today?  
Hermione: That was yesterday.  
Harry: That’s even more concerning. Seriously, what the fuck happened?  
Ron: Let’s just say I learned one thing off Lockhart.  
Harry: I don’t like where this is going.  
Ron: Obliviate.  
Harry: I don’t know what that thing is, but I don’t like it. What I do like is the idea that I could get a signature from a madman so I don’t have to miss out on Hogsmeade.  
Ron: I’m sure you’re using some kind of logic here, but for the life of me I can’t understand it.  
Harry: Because if I survive the encounter and get his signature, I can show the Dursleys that a dangerous maniac is more sympathetic than them, and then maybe, just maybe, they’ll step down on the whole asshole routine they have going.  
Hermione: I’m not sure Hogwarts will accept that without raising some serious questions.  
Ron: Plus, how the hell are you even supposed to find him anyway?  
Harry: Well, he was one of Voldemort’s minions. So was Malfoy’s dad. Maybe they’ll be willing to…  
Ron: Are you listening to yourself? You’re about to consider asking Malfoy for help.  
Harry: But if he thinks I might get killed…  
Ron: SNAP OUT OF IT HARRY! *slaps him across the face*  
Harry: *blinks in shock* Thank you. I wasn’t thinking right. Come on, let’s go to Hagrid’s.  
Hermione: Oh, okay. Why’s that?  
Harry: I have a feeling there’s some plot advancement down there. Plus, he saw Black right before he was arrested. Maybe he knows where he is.  
Ron: Son of a bitch.

*at Hagrid’s Hut. A weird sound could be heard from inside*  
Ron: What’s that?  
Hermione: You mean the whining crossed with a wet slurping sound?  
Harry: I don’t like that description *knocks on Hagrid’s door* Hagrid, you home? *sound stops, followed by the door opening. Hagrid was standing there, pants around his ankles* DEAR GOD MAN!  
Hagrid: *hiccup* Oops, sorreh ‘bout tha’ *pulls his pants up*Whadyawan’?  
Hermione: Hagrid, are you drunk?  
Harry: The better question is, has he ever been sober?  
Hagrid: ‘course I’m drun *hiccup* k. The minstree wanna put me back in Azkaban *shows them a letter*  
Ron: To be fair, you were never supposed to be released in the first place.  
Harry: By the way, why are you allowed to stay on the school grounds?  
Hagrid: Dum’dore ‘ired meh ‘coz if I don’ get paid, it co’nts as communtee ser’ice, inst’da jail.  
Hermione: *looking up from the letter* Hagrid, this doesn’t say anything about you getting arrested.  
Hagrid: It don’? Oh, tha’k God…  
Hermione: It just says Buckbeak could be executed for assaulting a student.  
Harry: They’ve loosened the definition of assault since I last checked it.  
Ron: Well, it’s not like we can do anything about…  
Harry: OBJECTION!  
Ron: Huh?  
Harry: Sorry, just practicing my Phoenix Wright impression. We could be your lawyers.  
Hagrid: Realleh?  
Harry: Hey, given that Malfoy managed to sue you over so little, we probably don’t need much lawyering experience beyond that.  
Hagrid: I thank yeh, and so does Buckbeak *Buckbeak suddenly stands up*  
Ron: YOU’VE HAD THAT THING IN HERE THE WHOLE TIME! *Buckbeak glares at him* Uh, that beautiful, beautiful thing.  
Hagrid: Aye. It were getiin’ cold oot there.  
Hermione: Are you sure that’s wise?  
Hagrid: Wha’s the wors’ t’at coul’ ‘appen? *Buckbeak bites off his finger* Other ‘an t’at?

*later, in the library*  
Harry: Alright, let’s see what we’ve got. Surely one of us has found a precedent for this.  
Hermione: Nope, the best I found was a case where the hippogriff was convicted.  
Harry: I found a case where a manticore was let off.  
Hermione: *looking at the book* That’s because no-one wanted to go anywhere near it.  
Harry: Maybe Buckbeak can do the same? *sees Hermione’s expression* …yeah, you’re right. Ron, have you got anything?  
Ron: Huh? Oh, I’ve just been drawing fanart of us *shows Harry the picture*  
Harry: While I did expect as much from you, I also didn’t need to see THAT!  
Hermione: Let’s face it Harry, no-one in history has been stupid enough to sue a hippogriff after taunting it.  
Harry: You’d think the students would be interviewed as witnesses for such an incident to prove the creature’s innocence, wouldn’t you?

*Christmas Day*  
Ron: Harry, wake up. Presents.  
Harry: Alright, alright, what did I get?  
Ron: Well, here’s mine for you *Harry opens it, and sees a bunch of pills* They’re roofies. You can take them now if you want.  
Harry: That’s not how they work, and I have no intention of explaining how they work to you *Ron looks disappointed* Hey, what’s this one? *sees a broomstick shaped present*  
Ron: Huh, guess McGonagall sent you another broomstick. Let’s see what she got for you.  
Harry: *opening up the present* Um, Ron? What the average teaching wage in the wizarding world?  
Ron: About five grand a year. Why?  
Harry: So they’d have a spare thousand galleons for this? *pulls out brand new Firebolt broomstick*  
Ron: Maybe it’s second-hand?  
Harry: Ron, the only asshole rich enough to get rid of a broomstick this good is Malfoy, and there’s no way even he is that much of an asshole.  
Ron: Well then, who did send it?  
Harry: No card. Oh well, guess I get to keep…  
Hermione: *coming in with Crookshanks and seeing the Firebolt* Harry, how’d you get that?  
Harry: Okay, first of all, why are you in the boy’s dorm? Second, *pointing up at previous text* can’t you read? And third, you’re the one who was criticising the fact I broke my broomstick. Problem solved.  
Hermione: But…what if… *Crookshanks cuts her off by jumping at Ron’s pocket*  
Ron: How many times do I have to beat this ginger pussy? *kicks Crookshanks down the stairs* Harry, you should try that sometime.  
Harry: I have a feeling your sister won’t give me a choice in the matter. Come on, let’s go to lunch.

*at lunch, a single table for twelve was set up*  
McGonagall: Ah, you three have arrived.  
Harry: Don’t we normally have the big tables for this?  
Snape: Potter, you three are half the remaining student population. Do you really think those would be necessary?  
Ron: Hey, as long as there’s free food, I don’t care.  
Trelawney: *entering the Great Hall* Wait, when did I get down here?  
Dumbledore: *standing up* HALT! Who goes there?  
Trelawney: Professor, you know who I am.  
Dumbledore: I do? Well then, come join us.  
Trelawney: But sir, when thirteen dine together, the first to rise will be the first to die.  
Harry: Well, Dumbledore should be safe as long as there are no humans disguised as rats here.  
Ron: *feeding Scabbers* I know, right?  
McGonagall: Sybil, you never leave that attic of yours. You must have come down for something, so you might as well eat something.  
Flitwick: Minerva, you’re being awfully nice to her for once.  
McGonagall: Shh, I’m trying to discredit her.  
Snape: And I was under the impression she was responsible for the prediction about…  
McGonagall: Shut up Sevvy.  
Trelawney: Where’s Professor Lupin?  
McGonagall: You’re the psychic. You tell us.  
Trelawney: But if I don’t ask the question, that will alter the course of time, thus messing up when things are supposed to happen.  
McGonagall: Tripe.  
Trelawney: What?  
McGonagall: Oh, would you like some _tripe_? There’s nothing _artificial_ about it, all real. Nothing _fake_ at all, like that completely bullshit class you teach.  
Flitwick: And you were being so subtle before that point.  
McGonagall: YOU HEAR ME WOMAN!? YOU SUCK AT EVERYTHING!  
Sprout: And this is the point where she said fuck subtly…wait, I’m actually getting lines in this thing?  
Harry: Well, this is turning ugly. I better get out of here…  
Ron: I’ll come with you *stands up at the same time as Harry*  
Trelawney: Wait, who stood up first?  
Harry: Well, you already said I was going to die, so it might as well be me. Unless anyone thinks Ron will get mauled by a big black dog.

*later, in the Common Room*  
Harry: Ah, nothing left to do but relax and wait for the next Quidditch match so we can crush Slytherin…  
McGonagall: *entering the room* I’m taking your broom.  
Harry: Why? It was a gift.  
Hermione: Did you not consider it’s a jinxed broom from Sirius Black?  
Harry: …I mean, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve flown while jinxed.  
McGonagall: You can have it back when I’m sure you won’t be killed…at least, by the broom. Knowing you three, you’ll find something else to get killed by.


	12. The Dementor Repellent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry learns to fight Dementors.
> 
> Honestly, why do I even need chapter summaries for this fanfic? If you're reading this, you've probably read the book, and if not, what the fuck are you even doing here?

Oliver: Hey Harry. So, I was thinking, since Dementors want to feast on you, and it’s the reason we lost that last game, I was thinking…I mean, I don’t want to, since you’re a great Seeker, but for the sake of the team…  
Harry: Professor Lupin’s gonna teach me how to fight dementors.  
Oliver: …would you like to be team captain when I leave?  
Harry: What?  
Oliver: You’re right, Angelina should get it before you. Anyway, how’s the hunt for a new broom going?  
Harry: Hermione got my new Firebolt confiscated the day I got it.  
Oliver: WHAT?! That bitch…  
Harry: Something about it maybe being jinxed by Sirius Black.  
Oliver: THAT…sounds reasonable?  
Harry: Wood, are you okay?  
Oliver: …I mean, you’ve played on a jinxed broomstick before, right?  
Harry: Look, if you want me to get it back, you may need to ask McGonagall about it.  
Oliver: You’re right. It’s time for Sean Biggerstaff to show her my Biggerstaff *leaves*  
Ron: Why do I get the feeling this is going to end in a very Seamus way?  
Seamus: Should I let Madam Pomfrey know when I get there?  
Harry: Classes haven’t even started yet. How did you hurt yourself already?  
Seamus: Well, I was trying an alternative to the Alohomora charm, and, well, long story short *drops his pants, revealing a lock from a door around his dick*  
Harry: That’d be right. Come on Ron, we’ve got Divination.

*at Divination*  
Trelawney: Okay students, we are now moving on from tea leaves…  
Class: HOORAY!  
Trelawney: …and moving on to palm reading.  
Hermione: Um, Professor?  
Trelawney: Yes child?  
Hermione: How the fuck are you supposed to learn anything about the future from someone’s hand?  
Dean: Especially Seamus’s. I’m pretty sure his hands have third degree friction burns.  
Trelawney: Oh, it’s quite easy really *grabbing Harry’s hand* See, this is the life line, and…oh, yours is so short.  
Harry: We’re still doing that, are we?

*later, after Defence against the Dark Arts*  
Harry: So, about those dementor fighting lessons…  
Lupin: Oh, you were serious about them?  
Harry: You weren’t?  
Lupin: Well, it’s not like we can just grab one of them and ask them to stand still while you viciously assault it. Besides, isn’t there another teacher you could ask?  
Harry: The only other teacher that might be able to help is McGonagall, and I’m not asking her because I’m still kinda miffed at her for taking my Firebolt.  
Lupin: *muttering* Damn it Sirius, I told you not to draw attention to yourself.  
Harry: What was that?  
Lupin: Err…how’s Thursday for you? Great, see you then *pushes Harry out of the classroom*  
Ron: What was that about?  
Harry: Dunno. Maybe he’s still sick.  
Hermione: *eye twitch* Yes…of course.  
Harry: Did you hear anything?  
Ron: No I did not. Let’s go to lunch.  
Hermione: Guess you’re ignoring me then *Harry and Ron flip her off as they go past* Oh, real mature assholes.

*Thursday night*  
Harry: Hi Professor.  
Lupin: What the…oh yes, Harry. Please, come in *holding down the lid of a trunk*  
Harry: What’s in there?  
Lupin: Oh, this? It’s a dementor.  
Harry: You got one to agree?  
Lupin: Hell no, that’s why I had to cram it in the case.  
Harry: Wait, WHAT?!  
Lupin: The spell you need is Expecto Patronum. Think happy thoughts, and good luck *opens the chest*  
Harry: God damn it *holds his wand out*  
Dementor: Noms for me. Come to me.  
Lily: *echoey voice* NO! Don’t kill my baby.  
Voldemort: *echoey voice* Come on, let me kill your baby. And don’t even think of pulling some deus ex machina crap on me.

*later*  
Harry: *getting off the floor* Well, that was unpleasant.  
Lupin: Ready for round two?  
Harry: What? *Lupin opens the case* Son of a bitch.  
Dementor: Gimme my noms.  
James: Lily, take Harry and run.  
Lily: But what about you?  
James: Don’t worry, I can take him.  
Voldemort: Avada Kedavra *flash of green before Harry blacks out*

*later*  
Harry: *waking up again* I swear, if you do that one more time…  
Lupin: I actually haven’t put it away this time.  
Dementor: My noms. MINE!  
Harry: Son of a fuck. Expecto Patronum *silver flash flies out of Harry’s wand, hitting the dementor*  
Dementor: Noms hurt me. Noms no fun anymore *flies out window*  
Lupin: Wait, you succeeded? Err…I mean, congratulations, you did it.  
Harry: Well, it was that, or lose a soul. I know what I prefer. Also, I heard my father that time.  
Lupin: You heard James?  
Harry: You knew him?  
Lupin: Oh, yeah, quite well. I mean, the shenanigans we got up to, I’m honestly surprised McGonagall hasn’t retired yet…  
Harry: Which means you knew Sirius Black.  
Lupin: Oh…Harry, I don’t know where this is going, but…  
Harry: Don’t worry, I’m not going to confront him.  
Lupin: Oh thank God.  
Harry: I’m just going to send Hedwig to the place he would most likely be and get him to sign my Hogsmeade permission slip.  
Lupin: That seems incredibly stupid. You don’t need to go to Hogsmeade to experience all its wonders. Here, I’ve got a bottle of Butterbeer for you. You wouldn’t have had that yet.  
Harry: Nah, I’ve had it.  
Lupin: Really? You’ve had something that’s strictly forbidden from being brought into the castle?  
Harry: *eye twitch* Ron brought it back.  
Lupin: Really? He was smart enough to smuggle contraband into the school?  
Harry: Err…I mean Hermione?  
Lupin: The straight O student who never breaks any rules?  
Harry: …Neville?  
Lupin: Come on Harry, how stupid do you think I am?  
Harry: …gotta go *runs out before Lupin can stop him*

*after the next Transfiguration class*  
Harry: So, Professor, about my Firebolt…  
McGonagall: You can’t have it back yet.  
Harry: Okay, yeah, sure, but…uh…how about now?  
McGonagall: No.  
Harry: Now?  
McGonagall: No.  
Harry: Now?  
McGonagall: If you ask one more time, I’ll do what I did to Oliver Wood to you.  
Seamus: Don’t do it dude. Even I don’t want my dick that messed up.  
Harry: So…that’s a no then?  
McGonagall: *glaring furiously* You know what? Take it *pulls out Firebolt* Sure, it might still be jinxed, but if it will shut you up, I don’t fucking care.  
Harry: *takes broomstick* Glad to see you agree.

*outside the Gryffindor Common Room*  
Neville: I swear I’m a Gryffindor student. You must have seen me come out this morning.  
Cadogan: A likely story. What kind of student forgets my list of passwords?  
Harry: What sort of portrait guard has thirty seven passwords that somehow spread evenly across the week?  
Cadogan: Oh, you think you know it?  
Harry: Oddsbodikins.  
Cadogan: Hmpf, lucky guess *opens*  
Harry: Come on Neville *walks into Common Room, only to hear the portrait slam behind him* What the?  
Cadogan: We just crossed into the next password, which he doesn’t know.  
Neville: Harry, help *silence* Harry?

*in Common Room*  
Harry: Well, I got my Firebolt back.  
Hermione: See, I told you you’d get it back once they de-cursed it.  
Harry: I never said they did that.  
Hermione: Wait, does that mean…  
Harry: So, how have you been getting to all your classes? You’ve managed to avoid missing a single one, despite them being in different places at the same time.  
Hermione: Well, you see…  
Ron: Hermione *holds up a sheet* What. The fuck. Is this? *Harry and Hermione see blood stain with a ginger hair stuck in it*  
Hermione: Oh shit…


	13. Flying Lion Entrance Plays Crow Foot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What the hell do you think happens?

Ron: YOUR CAT ATE SCABBERS!  
Hermione: You have no proof.  
Ron: A blood stain with ginger hair in it isn’t proof?  
Hermione: It’s circumstantial evidence.  
Ron: Yes, the circumstance being your cat got hungry and ate Scabbers.  
Harry: To be fair, there’s a chance Ginny could have killed him.  
Ginny: I would never kill that rat.  
Harry: BULLSHIT!  
Ginny: I’d torture it until he wanted death, but it wouldn’t come. Then I’d nurse it back to perfect health so I can repeat the process.  
Harry: That’s…yeah, okay, it was Crookshanks.  
Hermione: HARRY! Not you too.  
Harry: Hermione, you’re the smartest witch here. Surely you can see how damning the evidence is.  
Hermione: He was on his last legs anyway. I would think euthanizing him like this was a mercy for him. Plus, a hungry cat got a meal out of it. Win-win.  
Fred: Yep, I’m sure Crookshanks crunching down on each and every one of Scabbers’ bones, teeth piercing every internal organ, and the smell of other dead rodents floating up to him was a great comfort for him in his last moments.  
Hermione: Why’d you have to phrase it like that?  
George: Because that’s probably what happened.  
Percy: By the way Ron, I’m telling mother that your pet died.  
Ron: Why?  
Percy: To make sure she’s aware of how incompetent you are at caring for your pet. Expect her Howler in the next few days.  
Harry: At least this one won’t partially be directed at me.

*later*  
Harry: I’m off to Quidditch practice.  
Ron: Can I play with your Firebolt?  
Harry: You mean the broomstick, right?  
Ron: That too.  
Harry: Well, it’s a no on both counts anyway, so…see ya.

*at Quidditch practice*  
Oliver: Okay Harry, I’m going to release the Snitch now *lets the Snitch go free* Let’s see how long it tak… *a crimson blur streaks past him, and suddenly Harry had the Snitch*  
Harry: That fast, apparently.  
Oliver: That…was awesome. Now, this time give it a one minute headstart, we’ll see what happens.  
Harry: Okay *lets Snitch go. Thirty seconds later, the Snitch was back in his hand* Huh, apparently I’m so fast, I caught this thing before I was supposed to try and catch it.  
Oliver: *wiping away a tear* I don’t mean to sound confident, but I think we’re going to win.  
Katie: Okay Wood, what’s the gameplan?  
Alicia: Pretty sure the plan is ‘keep the hell out of Harry’s way’.  
Oliver: Pretty much. Now, Ravenclaw’s Seeker Cho Chang is back from injury, so Fred and George, feel free to ruin that.  
Fred: Yes sir.  
Oliver: DURING the game.  
George: Spoilsport.  
Harry: So, is this Cho Chang girl Chinese?  
Oliver: What makes you say that?  
Harry: Oh, come on. She has the most racistly Chinese name of all time.  
Angelina: Harry, you can’t just go around asking if people are Chinese.  
Harry: Yeah, you’re right. I don’t go around asking why you’re black, despite the fact we live in one of the whitest countries on the planet *gets slapped by Angelina*  
George: I’m calling dibs on her.  
Fred: Pfft, you wish.

*the day of the match*  
Draco: Hey Potter, do you really think you have a chance today?  
Harry: *holding up his Firebolt* Yeah, I think we’re a shot.  
Draco: *stands back in shock* Where the fuck did you get that?  
Harry: Because I’m the main character, and if I want something, I damn well get it.  
Draco: Um…well…DEMENTORS! *runs away*  
Harry: Wait ‘til they see what’s in store for them *pats robe pocket*

*on the Quidditch pitch*  
Harry: *seeing Cho Chang* HA! Called it, she is Chinese *suddenly notices…something* And apparently I have a thing for Asians.  
Cho: Why is he looking at me like that?  
Roger Davies: Well, he’s thirteen years old. Young, dumb, and full of cu…  
Cho: Pfft, as if the kid who beat You-Know-Who would ever want to go out with me.  
Hooch: If everyone is done foreshadowing the next two books, the match has now begun.  
Harry: *kicking off the ground* Alright, off I go *sees Cho right behind him* Oh, you think you can keep up with this? *zooms away*  
Cho: Actually, I just wanted to check out your butt *flies after him*  
Ron: *suddenly alert* I just got the feeling someone was lusting after my Harry.  
Ginny: Whoever that bitch is, she ain’t getting a drop of his seed in her until I’ve produced some hellspawn to walk the earth.  
Harry: Jeez, she’s not letting up for anything.  
Oliver: Harry, prod her with your stick if it’s getting hard with her riding you.  
Harry: Phrasing.  
Oliver: I have no idea what you’re talking about.  
Cho: What the hell are those? *points at something on the ground*  
Harry: *sees Dementors, immediately pulls out his wand* Surprise motherfuckers, EXPECTO PATRONUM! *something silver shoots out of Harry’s wand*  
Dementor: The fuck is that thing?  
Harry: Okay, that sounded odd. Whatever *grabs the Snitch that just so happened to be nearby* I win.  
Cho: *giggling* So did I.  
Harry: …okay, I guess this is an upgrade from Ron at least.  
McGonagall: Potter, would you like to see your so-called ‘Dementors’? *unmasks Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, and Marcus Flint*  
Harry: This day just keeps getting better, doesn’t it?

*later, at the Gryffindor victory party*  
Fred: Who wants Butterbeer?  
Percy: You know we’re not allowed to have that in the castle, right?  
George: Ah, but you forgot about one important detail.  
Percy: What’s that?  
George: We don’t give a shit.

*over the other side of the room*  
Harry: So, Hermione…you gonna join in on the party, or…  
Hermione: Don’t be silly, I’ve got too much homework to do.  
Harry: And you think sitting in the middle of a wild party is the best place to do it?  
Hermione: It’s not that wild.  
Harry: Neville’s hanging from the light fixtures, something smells like weed, and there are two…no, three people humping less than a foot away from us.  
Ron: Hey Harry, who are you talking too?  
Hermione: Still doing that, huh?

*later, after the party*  
Ron: *screams in horror* HE CAME FOR ME!  
Harry: No I didn’t. *sees Ron’s bed hangings torn to shreds* Wait, what are you talking about?  
Ron: Sirius Black. He was here. He was standing over me with a knife.  
Harry: But…I’m the one he wants to kill. I’m feeling a little insulted right now.  
McGonagall: What’s going on?  
Harry: Ron wants to feel important, so he thinks Sirius Black wants to kill him.  
McGonagall: That’s ridiculous. Come on, we’ll even prove it.

*at the entrance to Gryffindor Tower*  
McGonagall: Cadogan, did you let Sirius Black in?  
Cadogan: I sure did.  
McGonagall: See, what did I…wait, WHAT?!  
Cadogan: He had the password on a sheet of paper, so I let him in.  
McGonagall: *looking back at the students* Which of you was stupid enough to have a list of… *sees Neville* God fucking damn it.


	14. Potion Master’s Animosity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mostly filler until the end. Look, I've got a headcold right now and can't be bothered with detailed summaries. If you want to know what happens, read the books.

McGonagall: Well, we’ve searched the castle, and there’s been no sign of Sirius Black. I’m not even sure how he could have gotten off the seventh floor without someone seeing him, unless there’s a secret room that helps hide people somewhere around here.  
Ron: Good question. Harry, is there?  
McGonagall: Why would Potter know that?  
Harry: I wouldn’t. There’s no way I could. Isn’t that right Ron?  
Ron: What are you talking about? You have the *Harry grabs his lips* Mrdrs mp.  
Harry: Anyway, this whole thing has left us sleepy, and we’re going back to bed. Come on *drags Ron upstairs by the lips, while McGonagall watches them with suspicion*  
Cadogan: So, am I fired, or…  
McGonagall: If it was up to me, the firing would include setting your fucking picture on fire. Unfortunately, Dumbledore decided you should be kept alive, because he’s in charge and wants to make sure we know it by going against our demands, regardless of how reasonable they are.  
Cadogan: So, who’s replacing me?  
McGonagall: The Fat Lady.  
Fat Lady: Are you fucking kidding? You think I’m going back to work without some kind of beefed up security?  
McGonagall: Don’t worry, you will.

*the next day*  
Fat Lady: Security trolls? Really?  
Neville: At least you can’t smell them. I’m stuck out here with them.  
Fat Lady: Serves you right for letting a maniac get into the Common Room.  
Neville: But did they have to move my bed out here too?  
McGonagall: This way you won’t be able to hand out sensitive information to the wrong people. Plus, now we can use you as bait for Black. Now, if anyone knows any secret passageways that would allow Black to sneak in, now would be a good time to mention them.  
Ron: You mean like ones behind a statue?  
Harry: For God’s sake Ron, shut the fuck up.

*later*  
Ron: So there he was, clear as day.  
Harry: It was night.  
Ron: Sirius Black, standing over me with an axe.  
Harry: It was a knife.  
Ron: But I heroically tackled him to the ground, got him arrested, and became the youngest Head Boy in Hogwarts history.  
Harry: He ran away. Also, why are you telling me this? I was there *Hedwig arrives* Wonder what I got *reads letter* “Dear Harry and Ron, tea at my place? Wait for me in Great Hall. From, Hagrid.” I think he got Hermione to write this for him. Everything’s spelled correct.  
Ron: Who’s Hermione?  
Harry: I’m impressed you’ve kept that up.

*that night*  
Hagrid: A’right boys, ‘ow are yeh?  
Ron: Well, I don’t mean to brag, but…  
Hagrid: Yeh didn’ catch Sirius Black, don’ even try that shit wit’ meh.  
Ron: Aww…  
Harry: So Hagrid, how you been?  
Hagrid: Well, me an’ ‘ermione ‘ave ben tryin’ tah get ready f’r Buckbeak’s trial…  
Harry: Oh, right we were doing that, weren’t we?  
Hagrid: She thinks we might ‘ave a chance, what with Malfoy bein’ an asshole and all…  
Harry: He’s also rich and can afford a team of experienced lawyers.  
Hagrid: …oh, right. But anyweh, why ain’t yeh been ‘angin’ oot with ‘ermione lateleh?  
Ron: With who?  
Harry: He’s still mad that her cat killed his rat.  
Hagrid: Yeh mad at ‘er car fer actin’ like a cat?  
Ron: Well…I mean, when you put it like that…  
Hagrid: Yer a fucken idiot. Go apologise.  
Ron: Why should I?  
Harry: Because he’s as big and hairy as a wookie, and no doubt at least as strong.

*coming up to the Gryffindor Common Room*  
Ron: You know, maybe he’s right. I should apologise to Hermione. I mean, Scabbers is in a better place now, right? *sees a bunch of kids around the noticeboard*  
Hermione: Hey Ron, there’s another Hogsmeade visit coming up.  
Harry: Seriously? This soon after Sirius Black tried to kill me?  
Hermione: What are you worried about? You’re not allowed to go to Hogsmeade, and I will personally make sure you get in trouble if you try.  
Ron: You know what? I take back what I said before, she’s still a bitch *gets punched in the balls*  
Harry: It’s not like you’ll see me if I’m wearing the Invisibility Cloak.  
Hermione: Harry, don’t.  
Harry: Yeah, because Sirius Black is going to see through the cloak. He probably doesn’t even know I own…  
Hermione: Actually, he does.  
Harry: …oh, right. Whatever, he won’t know I’m there, and neither will anyone else. Including you.  
Hermione: We’ll see about that.

*Saturday morning*  
Harry: Alright, see you when you get back.  
Ron: What are you talking about? You’re going to Hogsmeade via the secret passage.  
Harry: How can someone this dumb still function?

*at the one-eyed witch statue*  
Harry: Let’s see, who’s around *sees Neville approaching* You know, I should put on the Invisibility Cloak, but instead *taps wand on statue* Dissendium.  
Neville: Hey Harry, what are you up to?  
Harry: Curses, I didn’t do that thing I should have done. Oh well, at least things couldn’t get much worse…  
Snape: So you are here Potter. This anonymous tip-off in Granger’s handwriting was right.  
Harry: Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me.  
Neville: I’m here too, you know.  
Snape: Amazingly you are, after letting a madman into your dormitory *turns to Harry* Now, as for you Potter, ten points from Gryffindor for acting suspicious in a suspicious place.  
Harry: Shouldn’t you be giving points to Hermione for tipping you off in the first place?  
Snape: I… *tries to think of something, stops, and walks away, seeming to be having an existential crisis*  
Harry: Excellent. Now, as for Neville *sees he passed out from being in close proximity to Snape* Problem solved *puts on Invisibility Cloak and goes through tunnel*

*in Hogsmeade*  
Harry: Now, I wonder where Ron is…  
Ron: Hi Harry.  
Harry: JESUS FUCK! How did you know I was here?  
Ron: I know your scent anywhere.  
Harry: Why the fuck do I hang out with you?  
Ron: Because we’re such good friends?  
Harry: Pretty sure what you do is actually illegal.  
Ron: Hey, wanna go to the Shrieking Shack? It’s a nice, secluded, hidden place that’s said to be haunted.  
Harry: All of those things sound horrible, especially with you. Can’t we just go to Zonko’s?  
Ron: I figured you’d wanna go there, so I bought you some stink bombs so you wouldn’t need to go. Come on *drags Harry into the woods*

*at the Shrieking Shack*  
Ron: It’s kinda creepy, isn’t it?  
Harry: What, the house, or you touching my knee?  
Ron: Knee? I was looking for your…  
Draco: Is that Weasley?  
Ron: God damn it, not you.  
Draco: Hey, Crabbe and Goyle are offended that you don’t recognise their presence too. Right boys?  
Crabbe: Gah.  
Goyle: Duh.  
Draco: So, who were you talking to?  
Ron: Oh, I was talking to Harry.  
Draco: Oh, Potter’s here? Even though he’s not supposed to be?  
Ron: Um…no?  
Draco: Excellent, so no-one will hear us kicking the shit out of you.  
Harry: *thoughts* If anyone’s gonna do that, it’s me *picks up snowball and hits Draco with it*  
Draco: What the? Who threw that?  
Ron: Probably Harry.  
Draco: You just said he wasn’t here.  
Ron: Err…  
Draco: Crabbe, Goyle, see if you can find who did that *gets hits with snowball*  
Crabbe: Gah.  
Goyle: Duh *runs into forest with Crabbe. Harry pulls a branch of a tree back, and releases it just as they come past, hitting them both in the head*  
Crabbe: Ah, my intellectual inferiority has just been cured. How about you, good fellow?  
Goyle: Indeed old chum, the days of speaking in monosyllabic grunts appears to be o… *gets hit by the tree coming back* Duh.  
Crabbe: Gah.  
Harry: Excellent. Now, all I have to do is sneak out of here, and… *trips, accidentally pulling the Invisibility Cloak down and exposing his head* Oops. Well, as long as Malfoy doesn’t see… *sees Draco staring right at him* Um…boo?  
Draco: You are in so much trouble. You wait ‘til...  
Harry: Your father hears about this?  
Draco: I was thinking Professor Snape *runs off*  
Harry: Oh fuck no *puts Invisibility Cloak back on and runs back to Honeydukes*

*just inside the One-Eyed Witch statue*  
Harry: Hmm…maybe I should keep this on, sneak up to the dormitory, and pretend I was having a nap this whole time…nah, I’ll leave the Cloak here, and hope for the best *climbs out of statue, landing on Neville’s still unconscious body*  
Snape: Hello Potter.  
Harry: Why? Why did you come back here? Of all the places for you to go…  
Snape: It sounds like you already know what I’m doing here, so let’s get to the point. Come with me. Now.

*in Snape’s office*  
Harry: Why the hell do you hate me so much? I mean, my dad saved your life, so…  
Snape: It’s your dad’s fault I was in danger in the first place. Now, empty your pockets.  
Harry: Don’t you need a warrant for that?  
Snape: I know spells that can make you give yourself a colonoscopy with your own head. As if I need one. Now, empty your pockets.  
Harry: Okay, fine, but I don’t think you’re going to find anything incriminating *empties pockets*  
Snape: Stinkbombs? Now where would you get these?  
Harry: Ron got them for me.  
Snape: Even though he’s still at Hogsmeade. Unless they’re in there from last time?  
Harry: …yes.  
Snape: Wash your clothes occasionally. Now, what’s this blank piece of parch…  
Marauder’s Map: _Mr. Moony feels violated at having Severus Snape touching him. Mr. Prongs is concerned that Snape has a young boy alone in a dungeon. Mr. Padfoot thinks Snape needs to get laid. Mr. Wormtail would like to add not with the child sitting before him._  
Harry: Okay, I did NOT know it could do that.  
Snape: *glaring, before grabbing some powder and throwing it the fireplace* LUPIN! Get in here.  
Lupin: *appearing* Hey Sevvy, what’s up?  
Snape: What the fuck is this?  
Lupin: *looking at it* A joke, probably from Zonko’s.  
Ron: *bursting in, out of breath from running so far* Yes…that’s exactly…it.  
Snape: How did Weasley know…  
Lupin: That’ll be all Severus. Come boys *leads them into Great Hall* I don’t know how you got the Marauder’s Map, but you’re not going to be using it anymore.  
Harry: How did you… *Lupin leaves with the map* Do we have to wait until the end of the book for some answers?

*in the Common Room*  
Hermione: Guys, something terrible has happened.  
Ron: How can something bad happen to empty air?  
Hermione: Hagrid lost his case. Buckbeak’s going to be executed.  
Ron: …oh.


	15. The Last Wizard Soccer Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apparently my favourite scene from the movie happens earlier in the book. See if you can guess what it is.

Harry: How do you know Hagrid lost?  
Hermione: He sent me this *hands Harry a soggy piece of parchment, which disintegrates in his hands*  
Harry: Tears of happiness?  
Hermione: Do you honestly believe that?  
Harry: I might if I try really, really hard.  
Ron: We can still appeal the decision, right?  
Hermione: You’re actually going to help this time?  
Ron: Do I have to forgive you about Scabbers?  
Hermione: Well…no, but…  
Ron: Then let’s get to work.

*in Care of Magical Creatures*  
Harry: Hi Hagrid, sorry about what happened with Buckbeak.  
Hagrid: ‘ssss alright *hic*  
Ron: Are you drunk?  
Hagrid: Since las’ *hic* Tuesday.  
Hermione: But the trial was yester…oh God, you didn’t, did you?  
Hagrid: Yeh think it migh’ ‘ave *hic* swayed the *hic* judge? *throws up and falls over in pool of his own vomit*  
Draco: Look at how pathetic he is.  
Hermione: Malfoy, I’m not in the mood to deal with you right now.  
Draco: Aww, is the Mudblood on her period? *gets punched in the face by Hermione* OW! You could have broken my nose.  
Hermione: I didn’t? Here, let me try again *punches Malfoy again*  
Draco: You bitch. You wait ‘til…  
Hermione: Your father hears about this? Yes, go ahead, tell him. Tell him you got beat up by a Mudblood girl.  
Draco: I… *horrified look of realisation crosses his face. Runs away before anyone could see him*  
Ron: Hermione, I take back every bad thing I have ever said or ever will say about you.  
Harry: Indeed. Now, let’s go to Charms.

*in Charms*  
Flitwick: You boys are late.  
Harry: You hear that Hermione? You’re la… *sees Hermione isn’t with them* How and why does she keep disappearing like that?  
Flitwick: Now students, today we’ll be learning the cheering charm.  
Ron: I don’t need a charm to be cheery.  
Harry: Stop looking at my crotch.  
Seamus: Speaking of crotches…  
Flitwick: Off you go Mr. Finnigan.  
Seamus: Actually, this time I’m fine.  
Everyone: WHAT?!  
Seamus: What? You make it sound like I always hurt my… *sickening crunch is heard* Excuse me *leaves room*

*after lunch, heading to the Common Room*  
Ron: Where do you think Hermione ended up? Do you think Malfoy did something?  
Harry: Nah, she’d just break his nose again *sees her sleeping in a chair* Okay, not what I was expecting to see.  
Ron: I’m gonna draw a dick on her face.  
Harry: That sounds like a terrible idea.  
Ron: *already pulling out his quill* Too late.  
Hermione: *waking up* Wh-what? What’s going on? What time is it? *sees Ron* Were you about to draw a dick on my face?  
Ron: *pulling back quickly* Of course not.  
Harry: By the way, you missed Charms.  
Hermione: WHAT?! How long ago was it?  
Harry: Erm…two hours ago? We’ve got Divination soon, so…  
Hermione: Gotta go *disappears into girl’s dormitory. Reappears moments later from the Fat Lady’s portrait* Okay, let’s go to Divination.  
Harry: Wait, why do I suddenly have memories of you in Charms?

*in Divination*  
Trelawney: Well class, today we will start staring at balls.  
Seamus: Oh really? *starts unzipping pants*  
Dean: If you do that, I will personally break them right now.  
Seamus: Do it. Pomfrey’s already expecting me anyway *whips his dick out*  
Dean: *sigh* You god damn stupid white people *raises his crystal ball and aims it at Seamus*  
Trelawney: Anyway, we are star… *sickening crunch, followed by Seamus leaving* …ting crystal balls because it’s been decided they’ll be on the exam.  
Hermione: Decided by who?  
Trelawney: Me. Now, open your…  
Hermione: Wait, wait, wait. YOU decide what’s on the exam? Which means, YOU set the entire course, and expect us to study for it, and you’re acting like some higher power is telling you otherwise?  
Trelawney: Child, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you were doubting me.  
Hermione: I not only doubt you, I think you’re a god damn loony with no idea what she’s doing. Fuck you, fuck this course, I’m outta here bitch *grabs her stuff and heads for the exit*  
Harry: Hermione, you know what she said about one of us leaving around Eater, right?  
Hermione: Yeah, what about… *realises the date, freezes in place* …FUCK! *hesitates for a moment, before deciding to leave*  
Trelawney: Called it…bitch *turns to face Harry* By the way, you’re still about to die.  
Harry: I’d have been disappointed if I wasn’t at this point.

*later*  
Harry: So now that all that other stuff is finished with, can we focus on the title of the chapter?  
Ron: You mean we’re not going to focus on the masses of homework we’ve got?  
Harry: Ron, we’re wizards. Can’t we just charm our quills to auto-complete this shit?  
Hermione: Harry, that’s cheating.  
Harry: Audience, vote of hands. Who wants to read about homework? *nothing happens* And who wants to hear about Quidditch? *hundreds of hands appear* Thank you.

*the day before the match*  
Oliver: Now team, remember: Slytherin are leading the Cup by two hundred points. So, we need to lead by at least sixty points before Harry catches the Snitch.  
Harry: Pretty convenient that it’s only that much. Almost as though we’re definitely going to win because we’re the good guys.  
Oliver: Fred, George, you know how Malfoy just came back from injury?  
Fred: Let me guess, you want us to ruin that?  
Oliver: I said nothing of the sort. Of course, if Malfoy happens to wake up and there’s a hippogriff head in his bed…  
George: Probably be more effective if it’s attached to the rest of the body.  
Oliver: …whatever. Just don’t get caught. Also, no-one goes anywhere without a personal escort.  
Harry: Is that why the other third years are here?  
Dean: Actually, I’m pretty sure Ron’s just here because of you.  
Oliver: Sorry Harry, but I can’t risk Slytherin trying to do anything to you before tomorrow.  
Harry: It’s eight o’clock, and we’re in our Common Room.  
Oliver: You’re right. Team, to bed.  
Neville: Don’t worry Wood, he’s in good hands if we’re guarding him.  
Seamus: That raises a good point *drags Neville to the entrance and throws him out* NOW he’s in good hands.  
Pavati: You can sleep easy now Harry.  
Harry: Really? With six people watching?  
Lavender: We’re just here for the yaoi.  
Harry: What yaoi? *turns around, sees Ron naked* It didn’t work the first time, why would it work this time?  
Hermione: Just don’t be too noisy. I have to study for my remaining subjects.  
Harry: Can’t you keep him off me?  
Hermione: I will…one day…  
Ron: Less talk, more fuck.  
Harry: *pointing across the room* Hey look, a distraction.  
Ron: Where? *goes to look*  
Harry: That should keep him busy for a… *sees something out the window* Is that Crookshanks? Walking with the Grim?  
Ron: Nice try Harry, but you already said the distraction was over here, and I intend to find it.

*the next day*  
Oliver: AttenTION! *Gryffindor team continues eating breakfast* LISTEN TO ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU!  
Fred: We hear you.  
George: We don’t care.  
Angelina: Unless you have something interesting, new, or important to say.  
Alicia: Which, given that it’s you, means the answer is no.  
Katie: Now be quiet until we finish eating.  
Harry: Yes, I know we need to lead by sixty before I catch the Snitch.  
Oliver: You know, I feel like you guys aren’t taking this as seriously as I am. This is my last game at Hogwarts, and I’d like to take the Quidditch Cup home from it.  
Harry: Screw you. I’ll win the game for us, I should get the Cup.  
George: Don’t worry, we already jinxed the Cup, so if Wood gets the cup, or if Slytherin win…  
Oliver: DON’T TALK LIKE THAT!!!!!  
Fred: …it’ll randomly turn into the thing that goes bump in the night.  
Oliver: …Harry, how would you like the Quidditch Cup when we win?  
Harry: It’s all yours, buddy.

*at the game*  
Hooch: Captains, shake hands, so we can have a nice clean match.  
Harry: Not likely when three quarters of the stadium is supporting us…wait, is that Marcus Flint?  
Angelina: Yeah. What’s wrong with that?  
Harry: He was a sixth year in my first year. Should he have graduated last year?  
Katie: What do you expect? He’s half-troll.  
Harry: Aren’t trolls made of rock?  
Alicia: Have you ever tried pushing a living boulder off you? Not easy.  
Harry: Why do you know that?  
Hooch: GAME ON! *releases all the balls*  
Lee: And away they do. Wait, I’m actually being used in this thing?  
McGonagall: You’re only here to recap most of the game with the most humorous phrasing possible after the timeskip. You get one chance. Go.

*later in the game*  
Lee: Because the author can’t be bothered recapping most of the game, let me just say this has been one of the dirtiest matches ever. We have seen Blagging, Blocking, Cobbing, Flacking, Attempted Snitchnipping, Blatching, Blurting, Bumphing, Haversacking, Quaffle-Pocking, & Stooging…  
McGonagall: Lee, stop making up words.  
Lee: Check out Harry Potter Wiki sometime. In the meantime, Gryffindor lead by exactly the right amount to win, so how’s Harry going?

Harry: Face it Malfoy, you’re going to lose.  
Draco: Screw you. I need to win, as revenge for the twins putting the Not-Pegasus in my bed and giving me another hangnail.  
Harry: You really are pathetic, aren’t you? Don’t let the Snitch escape you when it’s buzzing around your ear again.  
Draco: Do you really think I’m stupid enough to let that happen again?  
Harry: Actually… *holds up Snitch* Yes, you are.  
Draco: Didn’t the book have us racing towards it in an epic dive with you catching it at the last possible second?  
Harry: This way’s more humiliating for you.  
Oliver: YOU DID IT! WE WON! WE FUCKING WON!  
Harry: Why are you surprised by this? We’re the main characters…oh shit, we’re the main characters and something good just happened. Shit’s about to go down.


	16. Divination Teacher’s Guess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exams, exams, exams, Trelawney actually does something noteworthy, Scabbers is back, Buckbeak dies? Look, if you're reading this without reading the actual book first, you deserve to have all this spoiled for you.

Fred: Well, it was fun bragging about our victory over Slytherin, but now it’s time to start studying for exams.  
George: Indeed it is dear brother.  
Harry: Who the fuck are you two and what have you done with the real Fred and George?  
Percy: Didn’t you know? They’re studying for their O.W.Ls.  
Harry: Is that anything like Ordinary Level?  
Percy: Well…yeah, it stands for Ordinary Wizarding Level, so that was kind of a stupid question.  
Harry: You do know muggles have schools and exams too, right?  
Percy: Good for them.  
Ron: Hermione, they fucked up your timetable again.  
Hermione: Ron, you know I haven’t missed a lesson all year, right? What makes the exams so different?  
Harry: You have seven chapters to explain how you keep doing that. And I’m sure the audience is dying to know how a magic sceptic explains it.  
Hermione: Also, Buckbeak’s appeal is set for the sixth, the last day of the exams…  
Harry: Great, we can have his defence ready by then…  
Hermione: …and his execution is set for six that night.  
Ron: Are they allowed to do that?  
Harry: Are you accusing the government of being corrupt? Who could have predicted that?

*after the Transfiguration exam*  
Hermione: Well that was easy.  
Harry: Of course you’d say that. You’re you.  
Dean: I still can’t believe that Seamus dropped his pants, turned his dick into a teapot, then into a tortoise, then back into a dick.  
Seamus: Really?  
Dean: …no.  
Ron: I am. You didn’t severely injure it in the process.  
Seamus: Come on guys. After three years at magic school, did you really think I hadn’t learned how to… *the front of his pants burst open, revealing a cat* …hey, at least I’m getting pussy.  
Harry: Are you gonna get that checked before our next exam?  
Seamus: …yes *leaves*

*Charms exam*  
Flitwick: Alright everyone, your exam will be on the Cheering Charm.  
Hermione: Thank God I was there for that class.  
Flitwick: Indeed you…were? Why do I feel like you weren’t? I know you were.  
Harry: Why do I feel like whatever just happened here will have horrible repercussions later on?

*Care of Magical Creatures exam*  
Hagrid: A’right *hic* yur exam is tah *hic* look afta these *hic* Flobberworms.  
Hermione: Um, Hagrid? Flobberworms survive best when left alone. Also, are you drunk?  
Hagrid: *hic* *falls over asleep*  
Harry: Well, at least he’s not sleeping in a pool of his own vomit this ti… *Hagrid throws up* …class dismissed?

*Potions exam*  
Snape: First thing’s first: Longbottom, you get a zero. Now, let’s begin the exam.  
Harry: I’m sure there are rules against doing that.  
Snape: Potter, you also get a zero.  
Harry: Like I fucking care, asshole.  
Snape: *glares at Harry, then suddenly smiles* I’m going to give you five points back on your exam. However, one day I’m going to give you something that will torture you to no end. I won’t tell you when, but I will.  
Harry: …I’m scared now.

*two days later*  
Ron: Yesterday’s exams were just torturous.  
Harry: I know. Whose idea was it to have an Astronomy exam in the middle of the night, followed by History of Magic, then Herbology in a hot greenhouse that makes you even sleepier?  
Hermione: At least today’s first exam is Defence against the Dark Arts. Lupin’s sure to make the exam interesting.  
Lupin: Everyone go outside.  
Harry: Not what I was expecting to hear, but I’m still onboard.

*outside*  
Lupin: Welcome to the Wipeout course.  
Ron: When the hell did you have time to set that up?  
Harry: Who cares? I wanna win the ten grand.  
Lupin: Yeah. Except instead of ten grand, you get a passing grade.  
Hermione: Sounds good. I’ll go first.  
Lupin: Alright, the exam is under way, and it looks like Hermione’s getting fingered by the Grindylows…  
Harry: Um, Professor?  
Lupin: …she’s taking a pounding from the Red Caps…  
Harry: Professor?  
Lupin: …getting entangled with the Hinkypunk…  
Harry: PROFESSOR?!  
Lupin: …and now she’s helping a boggart out of the closet…  
Harry: FOR GOD SAKE MAN, PHRASING!  
Lupin: I know what I’m saying. I don’t care.

*after the exam*  
Harry: Welp, we’ve got one last exam: Divination.  
Ron: I predict I will fail. There, can I have a passing grade or not?  
Harry: I predict I will die. Seems to be the theme of these lessons.  
Hermione: I predict that that’s bad news *points to Entrance Hall, where Fudge just left with a guy wearing a black mask and carrying a large axe*  
Fudge: Ah, Harry. How’s it going dear boy?  
Harry: Not bad. So…I take it he’s here for Buckbeak?  
Executioner: Walden want blood.  
Fudge: Oh yes. Nasty business, that hippogriff case.  
Harry: Will it make a difference if I mention that Malfoy provoked the hippogriff despite explicit instructions not to, which was witnessed by a dozen or so students?  
Fudge: Yes, it really is too bad that the evidence is stacked so far in the victim’s favour. Mostly in Galleons.  
Harry: That’s what I thought.

*outside the Divination classroom*  
Lavender: Parvati, how was it? What did she ask?  
Parvati: Can’t say, Professor Trelawney said if I tell anyone, then the most toxic person in my life will disappear.  
Lavender: Wow, really?  
Parvati: Yep. She did say this while sending an owl address to the police, but I’m sure that was completely unrelated to our discussion about my step-father immediately prior.  
Harry: Oh, so we are going to address that again.  
Neville: She told me that if I revealed anything, my pants would disappear, so I can’t talk about it either *leaves*  
Ron: Should we tell him he’s pantsless?  
Harry: Nah, let him have his moment.

*later*  
Trelawney: Alright Mr. Potter, you’re the only one left.  
Harry: Let’s see…my prediction is I’m going to die.  
Trelawney: How horribly morbid. Why are you thinking like that child?  
Harry: Are you fucking kidding me? You’ve said that all year. With several different methods, no less.  
Trelawney: I think I’d remember something like that. Now, what else do you see?  
Harry: Buckbeak not being killed today.  
Trelawney: Ah, you believe Hagrid will argue his case well?  
Harry: Probably not. But something will happen and Buckbeak will be allowed to live. We’ve been building up his death too long for him to be killed now.  
Trelawney: Very good. That will be al… _IT HAPPENS TONIGHT!_  
Harry: What?  
Trelawney: _THE DARK LORD’S SERVANT WILL COME FOR HIS MASTER, THEN HE WILL FIND HIM!_  
Harry: …ew.  
Trelawney: _THE DARK LORD NEEDS FOLLOWERS, AND TONIGHT HE GAINS THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATHS OF THE POTTERS!_ *blinks as though just waking up* Dear child, why are you so pale all of a sudden?  
Harry: You have no idea what just happened, do you?  
Trelawney: Is your passing of my class so hard to believe?  
Harry: Called it.

*in the Common Room*  
Harry: Guys, Trelawney just said something really weird…  
Hermione: Of course she did. It’s Trelawney. On a more important note, Hagrid lost Buckbeak’s appeal.  
Harry: Got to drunk and couldn’t argue right?  
Ron: Almost. He got too drunk and didn’t show up for the appeal.  
Hermione: I was thinking we could go down and cheer him up.  
Harry: Yeah, let’s sneak out of the castle as the sun’s going down when a seral killer’s been seen lurking in the area. Great idea. If only we had some kind of blanket that could hide… *gets hit with his Invisibility Cloak* When and how did you get this?  
Hermione: Never mind that now, we don’t have time. Well, I do, but that’s a different story *ushers a confused Harry and Ron down to Hagrid’s*

*at Hagrid’s*  
Hermione: *knocking* Hagrid? Are you in there? *opens door, immediately sees Hagrid passed out in a pool of his own vomit*  
Harry: I want to be surprised by this, but… *sees something eating Hagrid’s puke* Is that…?  
Ron: SCABBERS! *picks up his rat* Why are you here? And alive?  
Hermione: *hearing voices coming* No time. We have to go *leads them out the backdoor*  
Ron: Scabbers, why do you keep squirming? And does anyone else hear that low growling sound?  
Hermione: There’s no time Ron. We don’t want to be around when they… *hears a distinct swooshing sound, followed by a soft clunk* …do that. Shit.


	17. Feline, Rodent, and Canine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius Black kidnaps Ron, Harry and Hermione going to save him, Lupin's revealed as a werewolf...don't cry spoiler, you should have read the books by now.

Harry: So…Buckbeak’s dead. And here I was thinking something would come up and save him at the last minute.  
Ron: Never mind that now. Scabbers won’t hold still.  
Harry: Is it because Crookshanks is sneaking up towards us right now? *Crookshanks stops upon realising he’s been spotted, then shrugs and jumps at Ron*  
Ron: GOD DAMN IT HERMIONE! CALL OFF THIS FUCKING CAT!  
Hermione: Ron, Scabbers looks sicker than when we saw him last. Likely because he’s had nothing to eat but Hagrid’s cooking. Can’t you just…  
Ron: NO! I’m not losing him again *Scabbers wriggles out of Ron’s hand* COME BACK! *runs after Scabbers*  
Hermione: We’re going to have to stop him, aren’t we?  
Harry: Not necessarily. We could just…  
Hermione: Do you really think the narrative will allow that?  
Harry: *sigh* Come on, we have certain death to face.

*later*  
Ron: I got you Scabbers. Don’t worry, I’ll protect you *Crookshanks jumps at Ron again, but Ron punches the cat out of the air*  
Hermione: Ron, you could have hurt him.  
Ron: That was the bloody point.  
???: *sigh* Guess I’ll have to take care of this myself.  
Harry: Wait, who said that? *looks around to see a large black dog* …fuck *dog jumps at Harry. Harry ducks, and the dog flies over his head* HA! Missed me you stupid dog *dog collides with Ron* This day keeps getting better.  
Ron: HARRY! HERMIONE! HELP! *starts getting dragged into a hole by the dog*  
Hermione: Sorry, but this is what you get for punching my cat.  
Ron: PLEASE! *gets dragged into hole*  
Harry: Isn’t it beautiful? *hears loud snapping sound* Oh, that’s not good.  
Hermione: Why not?  
Harry: Because I just realised: if he survives, we’ll be asked how he got so banged up, and we’ll get in trouble for sneaking around after dark.  
Hermione: So what are you suggesting we do?  
Harry: *pulling out his wand* We kill Ron.  
Hermione: I don’t think that’s…  
Harry: Too late, my mind’s made up *starts walking towards hole, gets stopped by a large branch blocking him* What the? *sees they’re at the Whomping Willow* Are you still mad about the whole hitting you with a car thing?  
Hermione: How are we going to… *Crookshanks darts past her* NO CROOKSHANKS!  
Harry: No, let him. He can distract it while we get to the hole *Crookshanks lands on a knot on the trunk, freezing the tree* Or he can do that.  
Hermione: How did he…  
Harry: Who cares? We get to help a dog kill Ron.  
*after following the path to the end*  
Hermione: *seeing all the trashed furniture* I think we’re in the Shrieking Shack.  
Harry: Either that or we just missed Chris Brown and Rihanna.  
Hermione: That was not only in poor taste, but it’s incredibly dated now.  
Harry: It’s not dated, it won’t happen for another fifteen years. Come on, they’re probably upstairs.  
Hermione: What makes you say that?  
Harry: The trial of Ron’s blood leading up there. Wanna check it out?

*upstairs*  
Hermione: Ron, we found you.  
Ron: And now he found you.  
Harry: Who’s ‘he’, exactly? *turns around and sees someone sitting in the corner* Is that…?  
Sirius: Hello Harry. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?  
Harry: Don’t worry guys, he shouldn’t have a wand since his should have been snapped after he got arrested.  
Ron: Actually *Sirius pulls Ron’s wand out of his robe*  
Harry: GOD DAMN IT RON!  
Sirius: Now to do what I came here to do *raises wand*  
Ron: NO! I won’t let you kill my Harry!  
Sirius: …what? I wasn’t… *gets tackled by Harry and Hermione, who start beating the crap out of him*  
Ron: Don’t worry guys, I’m coming *tries to stand, collapses in a screaming pile of agony on the floor*  
Harry: Nice going buddy *hears footsteps* Hey, good news guys. Someone’s coming to save us. HEY! We’re in here.

Lupin: *bursting into the room* EXPELLIARMUS! *Harry and Hermione’s wands go flying*  
Harry: Um, Professor? You disarmed me and Hermione. You were meant to hit Black.  
Lupin: No I wasn’t.  
Hermione: …oh shit, he’s evil too. I knew you were a werewolf professor, but this…  
Lupin: Wait, how’d you know I was a werewolf?  
Harry: Your fucking name might as well be wolf-wolf. The only people who don’t know that are the kids these books are aimed at…Christ Kieran, you’re twenty-six years old. Why are you even writing fanfiction, especially about children’s books?  
Remus: So, I believe I have some explaining to do.  
Ron: What part of ‘evil asshole’ don’t you think we understand?  
Remus: That’s not quite it. Sirius was framed.  
Harry: So he just so happened to be laughing about the deaths of twelve Muggles in a crater?  
Sirius: Pretty much, yeah.  
Hermione: Forgive us if we don’t believe it, but you are a crazed psycho.  
Sirius: Of course I’m a crazed psycho. Who wouldn’t be after spending that many years in Azkaban?  
Harry: Are you implying you had no criminal record before that?  
Sirius: No…  
Harry: My point exac…  
Sirius: I just had numerous petty theft charges before that.  
Ron: So you decided to step up your game with a mass homicide?  
Sirius: You’re still assuming I killed those people. I always have, and always will be, a petty thief.  
Hermione: *checking herself* HEY! Give me back my bra.  
Harry: Dude, come on. She’s fourteen, and besides, Zidane’s already doing that in Kieran’s other major fic.  
Sirius: Oh, trust me. I didn’t take it because she’s a girl. I just like to take things.  
Ron: *checking himself* Hey, my bra’s missing too.  
Harry: You’re a guy. You don’t even wear a bra.  
Sirius: Then how do you explain this? *pulls out two bras*  
Harry: …this is the weirdest day of my life, and this is coming from a kid who found out he was a wizard about three years ago.

Hermione: So, how come you knew to come here? And if Sirius didn’t kill those people, who did?  
Lupin: The Marauder’s Map said you three were heading to Hagrid’s house, which I expected. But then you were joined by someone impossible, then Sirius attacked.  
Harry: I guess it was suspicious that Scabbers joined us, since he’s supposed to be dead.  
Lupin: Yes, I guess you could say it was Scabbers. But it would be more accurate to say it was…  
Sirius: PETER PETTIGREW!  
Harry: And with that plot twist, we’ll see you next time guys.


	18. Remus, Peter, Sirius, and James

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lupin basically just talks for the whole chapter, so there wasn't much to abridge. Either that or I'm lazy. You decide.

Harry: So…you expect us to believe the guy you killed is alive?  
Sirius: Yes.  
Hermione: Are you serious?  
Sirius: Well, it is my name, so…  
Ron: Fuck you and that pun.  
Lupin: I suppose some explanations are in order.  
Harry: Obviously. Just don’t make them take up three quarters of the chapter.  
Lupin: It all starts back when I was a small child…  
Harry: What did I just say?  
Lupin: I was bitten at a young age by an asshole named Fenrir Greyback…  
Hermione: Do all werewolves have names that basically confirm what they are?  
Lupin: Under any other Headmaster, I wouldn’t be allowed to attend school. However, Dumbledore was paranoid of a discrimination lawsuit that would cost the school money.  
Ron: Your parents were threatening to sue if you didn’t get into school, despite being a dangerous monster?  
Lupin: Actually, no. They’d accepted that it wasn’t a good idea. However, Dumbledore forced me into coming so they couldn’t sue. Then he had the Whomping Willow planted so that it would beat the shit out of me as a wolf to keep me from hurting anyone. However, I eventually dug a hole under it, which came out in the Shrieking Shack. Then my friends James, Sirius and Peter discovered my secret, and broke a major wizarding law by learning to become Animagi, somehow without tutelage and while younger than pretty much every other Amimagus ever.  
Harry: And that has to do with this…how?  
Lupin: As a result of us being animals during the night, we started learning more and more about the castle, and decided we’d pool our knowledge into a map, which you recently inherited Harry…  
Sirius: I think he’s too stuck in his exposition to hear you now.  
Lupin: I remember one time, Sirius tricked Snape into following me out of the castle on a full moon, and he saw me transform. Oh boy, that could have been bad if James wasn’t there, and I wasn’t already beyond the protection of the Whomping Willow…  
Harry: We have very different views on what constitutes bad.  
???: I’ll get you for that later Potter.  
Harry: Did you guys hear something?  
Lupin: I couldn’t believe it when I heard Sirius was guilty. There was just no way I could accept that. So, I decided to track him down and sneak him back to the Shrieking Shack the only way I knew how: under my cloak, aboard the Hogwarts Express.  
Harry: YOU ALMOST GOT ME KILLED FOR A CONVICTED FUCKING MURDERER?!  
Sirius: How many times do I have to tell you kids? I didn’t kill anyone.  
Ron: Yeah? Then who did? Was it Pettigrew?  
Sirius: Actually…

*flashback*  
Sirius: It’s over Peter. Lily and James are dead, and it’s your fault. You’re going down.  
Peter: What are you gonna do? Kill me?  
Sirius: No. I’m going to take you to the Dementors and let them *hears the sound of a motor* What’s that sound?  
Hagrid: YEH CAN TAKE YER FUCKING BIKE BACK NOW! *jumps off bike at the last minute, bike spins out and hits a gas line, igniting and exploding it, destroying half the street* Uh oh *runs away*

*present day*  
Ron: Wait, so if Hagrid is the reason you’re in Azkaban, why didn’t you do anything to him while he was there last year?  
Sirius: Are you kidding me? The guy raped a man in half. When someone does that, everyone becomes their bitch. And since I already turn into a dog, I had no intention of having a sex change. But now onto business: gimme the rat.  
Ron: No.  
Sirius: I said gimme *throws himself at Ron. Suddenly, there’s a clicking sound from the doorway, and everyone turns to see what it was*  
Snape: *dropping Invisibility Cloak and holding a camera* Well Sirius, I guess we can add child molestation to those charges then.  
Harry: And with that we’ll see you in the next…wait, really? We’re not even at the seven hundred word mark and calling it a day? How short was this chapter *checks original text* Wow, it really is that short. See you next time then, I guess.


	19. The Slave of Wizard Hitler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Are they still in the bloody Shrieking Shack? What the hell is this, the Soul Society arc?

Snape: So, I’d ask what’s going on here, but I think I’ll just draw my own conclusions and report it as fact.  
Lupin: Sevvy, buddy, as hard as it is to believe, this isn’t what it looks like…  
Snape: I don’t really care. I can have you fired for endangering children by not taking your werewolf suppressing potion, make Sirius Black have a meeting with the dementors, and possibly have Potter, Weasley, and Granger expelled. This is the best day ev… *gets hit in the face with a brick and immediately collapses*  
Harry: *clearly not sorry* Oh gee, what a shame. He can’t tell on us in that condition.  
Hermione: Oh my God, we attacked a teacher.  
Harry: What do you mean ‘we’? I threw the brick.  
Hermione: How did he even know to come here?  
Sirius: Remus, did you remember to turn off the map before you came here?  
Lupin: Err…  
Sirius: Typically Severus, always sticking his hideous, crooked nose where it doesn’t belong. Now, back to business *faces Ron* Gimme the rat.  
Ron: For the last time, NO!  
Lupin: Ron, you are in no condition to fight either of us, so we could just take it if we want. Plus, we’re just going to cast a spell on him. If we’re wrong, nothing happens. If we’re right, you’re letting an innocent man go free and a guilty man gets punished.  
Sirius: I’m still a petty thief, you know.  
Lupin: …Mostly innocent man. What do you say?  
Ron: It’s just…I let Ginny neuter him a while back…  
Harry: Wait, when you said he was neutered, I thought you meant professionally.  
Sirius: Serves him right. He’s never been known for having the balls to face anything.  
Ron: So, if this really is Pettigrew, he’s gonna be a little pissed at me, so…  
Sirius: Oh, don’t you worry. I’ll kick the shit out of him so hard, the shit I kick out of him will shit itself.  
Ron: Okay here you go *hands over Scabbers without hesitation*  
Lupin: You know, it would have been easier if you’d just mentioned that was all we had to say before.  
Sirius:*pointing a wand at Scabbers* Shoulda woulda coulda. Let’s finish this *a blue and white flash floods the room, and suddenly there’s a grown man where Scabbers was*

Peter: *in a high-pitched squeaky voice* YOU BASTARD! YOU LET THAT GIRL CUT MY DICK OFF WITH A CEREAL SPOON!  
Harry: She didn’t even use a knife?  
Ron: Nope. Mum always hid those from Ginny. Not entirely sure why. But spoons were fine, because she didn’t think anyone could do much damage with them.  
Harry: Guess Ginny took that as a challenge.  
Sirius: Well Peter, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?  
Peter: Sirius, buddy, you’re not still mad about getting arrested for a crime Hagrid committed, are you?  
Sirius: I think I’m rightfully pissed about that. You could have come forward and gotten me freed.  
Peter: But then I would have gotten thrown in Azkaban, and do you have any idea what they’d do to guys like me in there?  
Sirius: I was there thirteen years. I know damn well what they do to guys like you in prison. Thing is, I once overheard Fudge saying he’d have only given you a thousand hours of community service if you’d survived being murdered.  
Peter: …Is it too late to…  
Lupin: Yes. Very.  
Harry: So, what do you guys mean by Peter being arrested? What did he do?  
Sirius: He was the Secret-Keeper. Basically, the location of your parents would be secure as long as he didn’t say anything. No-one would have found them, if not for Peter telling Voldy exactly where they were.  
Harry: HE WAS GONNA GET COMMUNITY SERVICE FOR THE DEATHS OF MY PARENTS?!  
Lupin: To be fair, he got the Dark Lord almost killed, so…  
Harry: Don’t care, he deserves to be kissed by a dementor.  
Sirius: Are you sure Harry? I’d very much like to kill him.  
Harry: The dementor’s kiss would be more torturous for him.  
Sirius: I guess you’re right. Might as well give this back if I’m not going to be using it on him *hands Harry his wand back*  
Harry: When and how…  
Sirius: You don’t spend a lifetime as a petty thief without learning how to do that. I’m just glad I still have it after thirteen years in prison.  
Hermione: Speaking of which, how did you get out?  
Sirius: I turned into a dog, walked past the guards, and swum back.  
Harry: …Really?  
Sirius: Yeah, turns out dementors can’t sense animal emotions, even if they’re not really an animal.  
Harry: Well, there’ll be a first time for everything *looks over at Peter*

Peter: But Harry, I’m a human now.  
Harry: Ironically, the moment we found out you weren’t a rat was the moment you proved you weren’t a man.  
Peter: Come on Harry, is this what your father would have wanted?  
Harry: Well, he’s dead because of you, so I’m going to say yes.  
Peter: Oh, right… *looks at Lupin* Remus, you’ll help me right?  
Lupin: Fuck off traitor.  
Peter: *turns of Hermione* Dear girl, you wouldn’t…  
Hermione: You broke the law, you need to be punished.  
Harry: By the way Hermione, how do you explain the whole Animagus thing, seeing as you just witnessed a rat transform into a human?  
Hermione: I believe the Native Americans have spirit animals, and that this is just an expansion of that.  
Harry: Grasping at straws there. Alright, let’s soul drain this asshole.  
Ron: I’ll guard him *tries to stand up, falls flat on his face*  
Lupin: Me and Sirius should probably do it.  
Harry: Are you kidding? I want to see Ron keep doing that.  
Hermione: What about Professor Snape?  
Sirius: What about him?


	20. The Soul Sucker’s Face Suck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius is about to prove himself innocent, so of course everything goes to hell and prevents that.

Sirius: You know, it’ll be really great once I’m free.  
Harry: Well, considering you’ve been in prison for thirteen years, obviously it’ll be great to be able to catch up on everything that happened.  
Sirius: I’ll say. I can wait to see how badly Betamax crushed VHS in the format war.  
Harry: Err…yeah. That happened.  
Sirius: By the way, since I am technically your godfather, and I’m about to be free, I was wondering...would you like to live with me?  
Harry: Would I like to live with a man that, until a little under an hour ago, I thought was trying to kill me, who has been in prison over a decade, likely losing all his worldly possessions in the process and probably doesn’t even have somewhere to live?  
Sirius: I know, it sounds crazy, but…  
Harry: I didn’t say no. Fuck the Dursleys, they suck. Especially Marge.  
Lupin: May I ask what she did?  
Harry: She called my mother the c word that properly describes the United Nations by having their name in the middle of it.  
Peter: Yeah, you’re right. Fuck them.  
Harry: I didn’t say you could talk *punches Peter in the nose*  
Sirius: Things are really looking up for me now.  
Harry: And for me. Hey, since you’re my new legal guardian *pulls out a piece of paper* Can you sign my Hogsmeade form?  
Hermione: Harry, why were you carrying that with you?  
Harry: We’re in the last few chapters of the book. We were bound to meet him sooner or later.  
Ron: But we still thought he was crazy.  
Harry: Between us, in the last three years we have fought a troll, took on a series of death traps guarding the secret to immortality, flown a car into the school, brewed a polyjuice potion, taken on a basilisk, and confronted a suspected mass murderer. WE’RE the crazy ones.  
Lupin: Polyjuice potion? Isn’t that against the rules?  
Harry: So Sirius, about my form…  
Sirius: *taking Harry’s form* Of course I’ll sign it, Harry.  
Remus: So we’re just ignoring the blatant disobeying of school rules?  
Sirius: I guess from now on everything’s going to be alright for me.

Remus: Did I remember to take my werewolf suppressing potion? *full moon peaks out from behind a cloud* Nope *begins to transform in front of them*  
Harry: That can’t be good.  
Ron: I know. He’s about to transform into a raging beast.  
Harry: No, I mean the full moon isn’t for another sixteen days. Someone’s seriously fucked with the tides if the moon’s suddenly full again.  
Peter: Speaking of turning into a beast… *starts turning into a rat*  
Harry: Ron, stop him!  
Ron: But it’s Scabbers.  
Harry: He’s a fucking criminal. Just kill him.  
Ron: But Harry… *Scabbers runs away* SCABBERS! Come back.  
Harry: Get him Crookshanks *Crookshanks jumps at Pettigrew, only to get swatted down by a now full wolf Lupin* Oh, right, that’s happening too.  
Sirius: Children, run. I’ll stop him *turns into a dog, jumps up Lupin*  
Ron: Twenty sickles on Lupin.  
Harry: Ron, they’re fighting for our lives.  
Ron: You’re right. Fifty on Lupin.  
Harry: We don’t want him to win though. He’ll kill us.  
Ron: You’re just mad because Black’s losing.  
Hermione: Guys, we need a plan. Though I’ll probably be the one to come up with it *howls from a female werewolf are heard, catching Lupin’s attention* Or that can happen.  
Harry: You think he has a shot with a female wolf?  
Hermione: It could be a Beauty and the Beast like story for him.  
Harry: You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you? Okay, let’s go help Sirius *looks around, can’t see him, but notices the trail of blood leading away from them* Or maybe he’s going to flee into the forest. Guess we should use this time to find Pettigrew so we have proof of our claims…  
Dementor: _Sirius Black! We found Sirius Black! Noms for us._  
Harry: …God fucking damn it *runs into forest to find Sirius*  
Hermione: Harry, come back *runs after him*  
Ron: I’m coming guys *stands on broken leg, faceplants* Eventually.

*in the forest, near the lake*  
Sirius: Please…no…I’m innocent…  
Dementor: _Noms from Black. He will taste good._  
Sirius: Stop… *falls to the ground*  
Harry: Don’t worry guys, I’ve got this.  
Hermione: Harry, what are you planning to do?  
Harry: *pulls out wand* This. EXPECTO PATRONUM! *a flash of silver appears from Harry’s wand, then nothing*  
Hermione: Is…is that it?  
Harry: Damn it, I guess we’re going for the ‘failing at the thing that can save everyone until the last possible minute’ cliché *sigh* Whatever, let’s do this. Expecto Patronum. Expecto Patronum. Expecto Patronum. Expe…  
Hermione: Harry, I don’t think Sirius is breathing.  
Harry: Okay, here comes the big one. EXPECTO PATRONUM! *slightly bigger flash of silver, followed by more nothing* What the?  
Dementor: *flying up close to Harry’s face* _Give us Black noms, or we’ll eat your noms too._  
Harry: Err…Expecto Patronum? *Dementor takes off its hood* Expecto Pa.. *sees a huge flash of silver, followed by a ghostly stag chasing off the Dementors, before going back across the lake* HA! I did it. Wait… *sees someone where the stag was heading* Is that…my father? Hermione, are you seeing… *sees Hermione on the ground, knocked out* Huh, wonder what happened to… *sees a rock fly into his face, before falling unconscious*


	21. Granger’s Confidential Information

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A big ball of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey stuff.

*in Hospital Wing*  
Fudge: It was so lucky you were there to save them, Severus.  
Snape: Indeed Minister. Heaven knows what might have happened if I hadn’t gotten there in time.  
Fudge: And all of it is completely true?  
Snape: Absolutely minister.  
Fudge: Really? Even the part where you ride in and save the day on your winged unicorn?  
Snape: Certainly you don’t doubt the validity of my story minister?  
Harry: *waking up* Okay, I’m calling bullshit on whatever Snape told you.  
Snape: Oh? And I suppose you were there Potter?  
Harry: You fucking know I was.  
Snape: Oh, let me rephrase that. I suppose you were mentally there, after Black hexed you into attacking me, an offence punishable by expulsion at this school? And then I miraculously managed to save you, Weasley, and Granger from Lupin the werewolf, the dementors, and Sirius Black, who I’m sure were working together.  
Harry: Minister, you don’t honestly believe that story, do you?  
Fudge: Actually, some of it sounds like bullshit, but now Black is locked in a room upstairs, and I’ve got re-election coming up, so I need something big to do in order to assure I stay in office. Frankly, as long as I have that, I don’t care who did what.  
Harry: Politics, ladies and gentlemen *Dumbledore come in* And now this.

Fudge: Ah, Albus. No doubt you’re here to congratulate Snape on capturing one of the world’s most dangerous Death Eaters and saving these children?  
Dumbledore: He did what now?  
Snape: Sirius Black. He’s locked in Flitwick’s office right now.  
Dumbledore: Sirius Black? You let him into my school on purpose? Are you mad?  
Fudge: Albus, we caught him. And the dementors are on their way to give him the kiss right now.  
Dumbledore: You let a crazed serial killer into my school, and the only punishment he’s getting is a little smooch on the cheek? Why I oughtta…  
Pomfrey: *coming in with large amounts of chocolate* Alright, all of you, out. These children need rest.  
Dumbledore: I need to speak to these children.  
Pomfrey: This is my hospital wing.  
Dumbledore: And it’s my school, so everyone out.  
Ponfrey: *sighing* This is fucking bullshit *leaves, Fudge and Snape following her*  
Dumbledore: You two have to stop them bringing Sirius Black into my castle.  
Harry: Little late for that.  
Hermione: Professor, are you suggesting that I use…  
Dumbledore: For God’s sake girl, yes. Use it.  
Harry: What are you talking about?  
Hermione: But Professor, that would be a grievous misuse of its power.  
Dumbledore: Bah, they brought a psychopath into my school, they can deal with the consequences.  
Hermione: That’s not how it…  
Dumbledore: Don’t care, just keep that maniac from coming into my school.  
Harry: Any chance of convincing you that he’s innocent?  
Dumbledore: HA! Good one *leaves*

Hermione: Well, I guess I have no choice but to use it *pulls out a gold necklace with an hourglass on it*  
Harry: Would you mind telling me what’s going on?  
Hermione: No time. Put this around your neck, we have to go now.  
Harry: *putting the chain around his neck as Hermione starts turning hourglass* Okay, but I don’t see…WHOA! *suddenly disappears from Hospital Wing*  
Ron: Hey guys, wait for me *tries to walk over to where they were, face plants on the ground*

*moments later (kind of) in the Entrance Hall*  
Harry: Whoa, jeez, what the hell just happened?  
Hermione: Shh, Harry, quick, we have to move.  
Harry: Or else what?  
A voice that sounds exactly like Harry’s: What the fuck? Is that me and Hermione?  
Hermione: Son of a bitch *turns hourglass ever so slightly*

Harry: Hermione, what’s going on?  
Hermione: Hold on, we’re about to arrive.  
Harry: But we’re already… *Harry and Hermione suddenly appear in front of him* Wait, what?  
Other Harry: Whoa, jeez, what the hell just happened?  
Other Hermione: Shh, Harry, quick, we have to move.  
Hermione: And I know where to go *drags Other Harry and Other Hermione to a nearby closet* HARRY! Get in here.  
Harry: *following her into closet* Hermione, care to explain why we’re in the past?  
Other Hermione: And would you also care to explain why you’re making direct contact with us? You know what will happen when that happens, right?  
Hermione: Of course I do, I’m you. The problem is that if I didn’t do that, the two of you would be seen by our previous selves.  
Other Hermione: Are you… *hears the sounds of three pairs of feet shuffling by* Okay, so maybe that happened, but now we’ve met, so shouldn’t that ruin history?  
Hermione: Actually, now that the reason you two came back in the first place is gone, you’ll cease to exist, therefore history is fine.  
Other Harry: Wait, that’s not how it… *vanishes with Other Hermione*

Harry: He’s right though. Now WE don’t have a reason to have gone back that handful of seconds, so we shouldn’t exist.  
Hermione: Don’t you get it? We didn’t see ourselves as we went down to Hagrid’s, so we must have had to go back and stop ourselves from being seen, therefore we just fixed a paradox.  
Harry: The Doctor Who fandom is screaming abuse at you now. But this does explain how you managed to get to all your classes all year.  
Hermione: Yeah, I wanted to tell you earlier, but Professor McGonagall said…  
Harry: Actually, I suspected it for a couple of months now. Ever since I suddenly remembered you appearing in a Charms class.  
Hermione: How’d you know I wasn’t just late?  
Harry: Because you had a dick drawn on your face.  
Hermione: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT RON!  
Harry: So I’m sure the fans are dying to know: how does the magic denier explain time travel?  
Hermione: Well, clearly this is a primitive flux capacitor.  
Harry: …Really? Ours fans are going to be VERY disappointed with that explanation.  
Hermione: Fans, plural? Since when did more than one person ever read this?  
Harry: Whatever, let’s go save Buckbeak.  
Hermione: I thought we were saving Sirius Black.  
Harry: There’s something I really want to do, and I need a living Buckbeak to do it. Plus, it’ll be epic to escape on a hippogriff.  
Hermione: Okay, fine, but make it quick. We have to cover four chapters in the space of one.

*down at Hagrid’s Hut*  
Hermione: There’s Buckbeak. Quick, grab him.  
Harry: Don’t they have to see him first? *pointing at Dumbledore, Fudge, and the executioner*  
Hermione: What does it matter? We’re going to free him anyw… *suddenly, another Harry and Hermione appear*  
Other Hermione: STOP! Freeing Buckbeak now has horrible consequences.  
Harry: Oh yeah? Like what?  
Other Hermione: Like this *lifts Other Harry up, only for his head to tumble off*  
Harry: …You make a good point.  
Hermione: Wait, Buckbeak did that?  
Other Hermione: Actually, that executioner guy did. Something about putting him out of another job or something.  
Harry: I haven’t put him out of one job yet…have I?  
Other Hermione: Look, point is, don’t do it.  
Hermione: Fine, we’ll wait for them to see him before we…  
Fudge: …and now, Mr. MacNair, you may kill the hippogriff.  
MacNair: Sweet *sickening thud*  
Hermione: …we may need to go back again.

*a few seconds earlier*  
Hermione: Wait, Buckbeak did that?  
Other Hermione: Actually, that executioner guy did. Something about… *Harry and Hermione appear*  
Past Harry: What the hell?  
Current (?) Harry: No time to explain, just get the hippogriff and run.  
Other Hermione: But if you’re the most current version of you, shouldn’t you do it?  
Harry: Hmm…I guess that makes…  
Fudge: …and now, Mr. MacNair, you may kill the hippogriff.  
MacNair: Sweet *sickening thud*  
Harry: …son of a bitch *goes back with Hermione*

Hermione: Wait, Buckbeak did that?  
Other Hermione: Actually, that executioner guy did. Something about… *Harry and Hermione appear*  
Past Harry: What the hell?  
Current (?) Harry: No time to ex… *Harry and Hermione arrive* We screwed up again, didn’t we?  
Harry: *striding past him* Yep *bows to Buckbeak, who bows back* Come on Buckbeak, we’re out of here.  
Fudge: *from inside the hut* Well, it’s about time we go out and kill the beast.  
Harry: I need a hand here.  
Past Harry: No worries *helps push Buckbeak into the woods*  
Harry: Thanks, but since you didn’t bow, won’t that piss off Buckbeak?  
Past Harry: It’s okay, I’m a past self that isn’t going to exist much longer. I just have to put up with a few seconds of pain, and… *Buckbeak jumps on him* AHH! OH GOD! THE FEW SECONDS OF PAIN FEEL LIKE DECADES! AND NOW I HAVE A HANGNAIL! *disappears*  
Hermione: Wait, so if we saved Buckbeak, what did the executioner kill?

Fudge: I’m sorry for calling you out for nothing MacNair. Guess we’ll have better luck next time, eh?  
MacNair: I was called out to kill something, I’m damn well killing something *sees Fang* He’ll do.  
Fudge: MacNair, NO! *MacNair swings his axe, slicing Fang in half* MacNair, we’ve talked about this, you’re not supposed to kill the innocent animals.  
Dumbledore: Don’t worry, I can fix him.  
Fudge: Albus, you can’t fix a dead…  
Dumbledore: REPARO! *Fang’s two halves spring back together, and Fang walked away as if unhurt*  
Fudge: Did…did you just successfully perform necromancy?  
Dumbledore: Don’t be silly, dogs aren’t alive *leaves*  
Fudge: I…just…what? Well anyway, MacNair, come along. Your actions make me wonder if you were lying about your ‘troubled past’.  
MacNair: You seem to think that I, Walden MacNair, have some important role to play in this series, just because I was given a first and last name.  
Fudge: You’re right, we’ll probably never hear from you again.

*meanwhile, near the Whomping Willow*  
Harry: *watching their group go into the hole under the tree* So I guess now we wait for us to come out, right?  
Hermione: Yep.  
Harry: So I need to ask: if we have time travel, why not go back and stop Voldemort killing my parents? In fact, why not go back and stop him being evil in the first place?  
Hermione: They tried that once, with horrible consequences.  
Harry: They can’t have been that bad, right?  
Hermione: They changed the requirements for President of the US to allow Canadians in.  
Harry: That doesn’t sound so bad.  
Hermione: You don’t say that in 2032 when Presidumb Bieber gets elected.  
Harry: To be fair, by that point they’ve had Presidumb Drumpf, Presidumb West, and President Winfrey. How much worse could he be?  
Hermione: You forgot President Johnson.  
Harry: Yeah, but he’s cool. In fact, he’s probably the only cool person to ever have the first name Dwayne.  
Hermione: Shh…here comes Snape.  
Harry: You know, we could take the invisibility cloak, and… *Harry and Hermione appear behind them*  
Future Harry: Trust me, you don’t want to do that.  
Hermione: Thanks, but your voice sounds a bit off Future Harry.  
Future Hermione: That’s because I’m Future Harry. We drank Polyjuice Potion and became each other.  
Harry: What? How? Why? Answer me, in that order.  
Future Harry/Hermione: Long story, just don’t do it. It’s not worth the kidney failure.  
Hermione: How did that happen?  
Future Hermione/Harry: Never mind, we’re disappearing, so you’ll never know the pain of using cheese to clean steam burns *disappears with Future Harry/Hermione*  
Harry: How did we screw up that badly?  
Hermione: Who cares? We didn’t end up doing it. Now we just have to skip the two chapters we spent standing around talking in the Shrieking Shack and we can advance the plot.  
Harry: Those two chapters were truly the Save Rukia arc of this series. Anyway, while we’re waiting I’m going to do that thing I want to do with Buckbeak.

*later, in the Slytherin Dungeon*  
Draco: *hearing something moving between the sheets* Wah… *throws sheets off his bed, sees Buckbeak* OH GOD NOT AGAIN! *screams as Buckbeak attacks him* NO! Not the finger. NOT THE FINGER! NOO! ANOTHER HANGNAIL! WHY?!  
Harry: This is everything I dreamed it would be. Well, let’s get back to the plot.

*two chapters later*  
Harry: Hermione, get ready. We’re leaving the hole *future Harry and Hermione appear behind them*  
Future Hermione: Just don’t do what we did.  
Harry: *turning to face her* No problem Hermi…OH MY GOD! Why are you suddenly black?  
Hermione: HARRY!  
Future Hermione: Yeah, I’ve always been black.  
Harry: *holding up a phone* See this? This is Emma Watson. Note the distinct lack of black skin.  
Future Harry: Come on man, you’re being a tad racist.  
Harry: Don’t get me started on you, you’re Asian.  
Future Harry: That’s because I’m actually your future son with Cho.  
Harry: Wait, I get Cho? Sweet.  
Future “Harry”: Only if you do what dad did. And trust me, you don’t want the future with Ginnymort.  
Harry: And here I thought we already had that. Well anyway, the full moon’s out, might as well go kill Peter…  
Future “Harry”: NO! That’s the problem.  
Harry: So, my choices are score with an Asian at the cost of whoever Ginny hates, or let my parent’s killer go free?  
Future “Harry”: Pretty much.  
Harry: …You win this round Pettigrew.  
Hermione: Speaking of winning, it looks like Lupin is going to beat Sirius.  
Harry: Didn’t a female werewolf call to him?  
Hermione: Yeah, but I have no idea where she is…wait, it came from around here, didn’t it?  
Harry: Yeah, but I don’t see…oh God, you’re not going to…  
Hermione: *howls like a wolf* Hey, it worked last time.  
Harry: _Tale as old as time / Song as old as rhyme_ …oh shit, Lupin *starts running away with Hermione, before Lupin catches him* GOD DAMN IT HERMIONE! *gets ripped in half by Lupin*  
Hermione: HARRY! …wait a minute *goes back in time just before Lupin gets to her*

*a few seconds earlier*  
Harry: _Tale as old as time / Song as old as rhyme_ …oh shit, Lupin *Future Hermione shows up*  
Future Hermione: Yeah, you need to start running, before you die again.  
Harry: You mean like your past self is doing right now? *points out Lupin eating Past Hermione*  
Future Hermione: …shit…wait, why aren’t I disappearing?  
Harry: Maybe all the time paradoxes got sick of keeping up with our bullshit and decided to just let you be normal Hermione.  
Hermione: Good enough for me, let’s go to the next important plot point.  
Harry: That would be my father saving us from the dementors.  
Hermione: Say WHAT?!  
Harry: Oh, right, I haven’t told you yet. Just before someone hit me with a rock, I thought I saw my father casting the patronus charm, and I kinda want to know what that was about.  
Hermione: Somehow, your dead father saving you at the right moment is only about the fifth or sixth weirdest thing to happen tonight, so we may as well do it.

*down at the lakeside*  
Hermione: Well we’re here. So, where’s your hero dad?  
Harry: He’ll be here *sees dementors continually attacking him and Sirius* Any minute now *sees dementor take off its hood* He’s cutting it a bit fine, but he’ll… *suddenly realising* Oh… *pulls out wand* EXPECTO PATRONUS! *large silver stag appears, running across the water to Harry and Sirius, knocking back the dementors* HA! It was me. I did it. Did you see that Hermione? *looks around, sees Hermione running back to him*  
Hermione: Sorry, I had to hit us with rocks. What did I miss?  
Harry: I just cast a spell you don’t know, and you miss it? Very disappointed in you Hermione.  
Hermione: Sure you did. Wanna go rescue Sirius?  
Harry: Yeah, whatever. Let’s just get this chapter over with already.

*later, flying on Buckbeak’s back*  
Harry: Sirius was in Flitwick’s office, right?  
Hermione: Yeah.  
Harry: So…which one’s Flitwick’s?  
Hermione: …err…  
Harry: That’s something we should have figured out before, isn’t it?  
Future Harry: *flying up behind them* Thirteenth window on the right from the West Tower. I only learned this from a LOT of trial and error.  
Hermione: Where’s Future Me?  
Future Harry: MacNair was having too much fun with the axe.  
Harry: Good to know I wasn’t the only one to get decapitated.  
Hermione: Does that version of yourself even know about that?  
Harry: Does yours?  
Hermione: Honestly, I stopped keeping track during Hagrid’s Hut.  
Harry: I’m sure someone in the comments will figure it out. After they finish complaining about how much we fucked up the canon.  
Hermione: It’s a good thing time travel doesn’t come up again in any other book.  
Harry: Cursed Child?  
Hermione: Book, not play. By the way, there’s Black on the roof.

Sirius: Hey kids.  
Harry: How the hell did you get out of Flitwick’s office?  
Sirius: Can’t lock someone in an office with no lock.  
Hermione: But there was a lock.  
Sirius: Not after I stole it. So, is this my ride out of here?  
Harry: Yeah. Now, about adopting me…  
Sirius: *climbing onto Buckbeak* Sorry kiddo, but people tend to be a little uptight about criminals adopting kids. I promise I’ll write though. Well, seeya Harry *flies off*  
Harry: Crap, I forgot to get my Hogsmeade slip signed.  
Ron: It’ll be okay Harry. You can just keep using your Invisibility Cloak to get into Hogsmeade.  
Hermione: Ron, when did you get here?  
Ron: I’ve been with you guys the whole time.  
Harry: Damn it, now we have to go back and fix this too, don’t we?


	22. Night Bird Mail 2: Electric Boogaloo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter, wrapping up everything. Enjoy.
> 
> That's an order by the way. Enjoy this or else.

Harry: Damn it, we’ve been back in time like six times, and we can’t figure out where Ron joined us.  
Ron: That’s because I was with you the whole time Harry.  
Harry: No, you weren’t. My ass is thoroughly ungrabbed, so you haven’t been with us through all our bizarre adventures.  
Hermione: *looking horrified with herself* I never wanted to learn how to clean burn wounds with cheese.  
Harry: So I have concluded that you weren’t supposed to be here, and that you’re still in your bed in the Hospital Wing. Therefore, if I push you off the roof, I will be ruining nothing *waits a moment*  
Hermione: So…are you gonna do it?  
Harry: I was giving future us a chance to come back and stop me if I’m not supposed to do it. And since that didn’t happen *pushes Ron off the roof*  
Ron: I LOVE YOU HARRY *splat*  
Hermione: Wouldn’t Ron’s mangled corpse be a bit suspicious?  
Harry: I planned for that *points out Lupin running up to Ron’s mangled corpse and eating it* Now, how long until we need to be back at the Hospital Wing?  
Hermione: Well…  
Harry: We needed to be there five minutes ago, didn’t we?  
Hermione: Actually, we’re ahead of schedule for a change.  
Harry: Then let’s go.

*sneaking around the corridors*  
Hermione: Someone’s coming *drags Harry into a cramped hiding spot, putting them in “compromising” positions*  
Harry: Hermione, we shouldn’t be doing this. We’re not the canon pairing.  
Hermione: Shh…listen.  
Fudge: Well Severus, after this we’ll probably be able to award you the Order of Merlin.  
Snape: Oh shucks, for little old me?  
Fudge: Well, you deserve it. After capturing Sirius Black and assuring my re-election, you’ve earned it.  
Snape: This puts me in such a good mood, I might just pass all my students for the hell of it. Even Potter and Granger.  
Fudge: Well, that sounds very unteacherlike, but I’m not here to tell you how to do your job. Now, how’s about we finish this whole Sirius Black business?  
Snape: Excellent plan minister *footsteps fade away*  
Harry: So, I guess we failed Potions. Let’s get back to the…what are you doing?  
Hermione: I’m thinking.  
Harry: About what?  
Hermione: Well, you know I don’t want to fail any of my classes.  
Harry: Hermione, we are not going back in time again just to get an innocent man executed.  
Hermione: Well, technically he won’t be dead, he’d just be a vegetable…  
Harry: Hermione, no. The only way we’re going back in time again at this point is to get Pettigrew and put him in Flitwick’s office.  
Hermione: Excellent idea. We should do that. We have the means to do so. Plus, you said Trelawney thinks he’s going to reunite with the Dark Lord, so we could save ourselves some stress.  
Harry: Since when do you put much weight in what Trelawney says?  
Hermione: You’re right, dumb idea. Let’s go back to the Hospital Wing *leaves*  
Harry: Wait, I’m very on board with that plan *sighs* Whatever, it’s not like he knows where Voldemort is. I bet in a year, he’ll have been caught and Voldemort’s last hope of coming back will be stomped out.

*back at the Hospital Wing*  
Hermione: There’s the Hospital Wing up ahead.  
Past Harry: Any chance of convincing you that he’s innocent?  
Dumbledore: HA! Good one *leaves Hospital Wing and closes door. Sees Harry and Hermione* What the? Weren’t you two just in there?  
Hermione: Sir, you told us to go back in time and stop them bring Sirius Black into the castle. Don’t you remember?  
Dumbledore: What? I wasn’t referring to that. I was referring to using your intelligence to get him out of the castle.  
Harry: We were in the Hospital Wing, and Snape and Fudge are on their way to Flitwick’s office. How exactly were we going to stop them doing anything?  
Dumbledore: That was for you to figure out *sighs* Well, as long as you weren’t seen by anyone, especially your past selves, everything should be fine.  
Harry: *eye twitch* Yeah, that totally didn’t happen. Out of curiosity, what would happen if we did do that?  
Dumbledore: It can cause rips in the space time continuum. Why, it could reset parts of the universe while keeping other parts intact. Why do you ask?  
Harry: Err…no reason *thoughts* Why do I feel like this is going to come back and bite me in the ass?  
Ron: Aww, I want to have an adventure in the timestream too *grabs the time turner*  
Hermione: Ron, no! Harry kills yo… *Ron vanishes, then comes in through the door a few seconds later* Wait, what?  
Ron: Oh, Harry threw me off the castle, so I used the time turner to go back in time before I hit the ground.  
Hermione: Then why was there a pile of splattered meat on the ground?  
Ron: I was saving it for later, then it hit the ground so I decided it was no good any more.  
Harry: Why did you even have all that meat?  
Ron: Well, I heard about this thing called “beating your meat”, and I thought…  
Harry: Not even close, Ron.

Snape: *somewhere in the castle* HARRY POTTER!  
Harry: Oh, right, Black escaped.  
Snape: *bursting into the room* WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!  
Fudge: Severus, you don’t think these kids had something to do with it, right?  
Snape: They will when I’m through with them.  
Harry: But Professor, we’ve been locked in here the whole time.  
Snape: Except Miss Granger has a Time-Turner, so you just had to go back far enough to free him without getting caught.  
Hermione: That would be a grievous misuse of its power.  
Snape: Oh please, as if that’s ever stopped you using that damn Invisibility Cloak.  
Fudge: You know, accusing children of freeing Black is such a nasty thing of you to do.  
Harry: Especially since Black was capable of doing it by himself anyway.  
Fudge: Really? How would you know that?  
Harry: Because…he…err…already did it once?  
Fudge: Oh, right. Anyway Severus, since you’re being such a meany beany fo feeny, I guess you shouldn’t have the Order of Merlin awarded to you.  
Snape: GOD DAMN IT!  
Fudge: Now, if you don’t mind, I need to find another thing to do to assure my re-election *an owl swoops in and gives Fudge a letter* Huh, a letter from Dolores *reads it* A bill to ban werewolves from teaching, and all it needs is my signature to finalise it? Well, I dunno…  
Snape: Yes, it’s not like signing a bill that will get rid of a teacher that nearly tore several students to pieces will reflect well on your image.  
Fudge: Good point *signs the bill*  
Hermione: But sir, he’s the only competent Defence against the Dark Arts teacher we’ve had.  
Fudge: Bah, I’m sure the next one will be fine, and not some phony like the guy you had last year.  
Harry: What if they’re a phony in some other way?  
Fudge: Don’t care, I have a teacher to fire.  
Snape: So, about my Order of Merlin… *Fudge disappears* …Potter…  
Harry: Yeah?  
Snape: You have four more years at this school, and I intend to make every single one of them hell for you.  
Harry: Business as usual then? *Snape screams in frustration as he leaves*  
Ron: Why do you keep taunting him?  
Harry: Because he can’t do anything worse to us than he already is, so I figure I have nothing to lose by doing so.  
Dumbledore: May I be excused?  
Hermione: Sir, you’re the Headmaster.  
Dumbledore: You’re right. Why aren’t you three in class?  
Harry: Our Headmaster, ladies and gentlemen.

*the next day*  
Ron: Where is everyone?  
Hagrid: They’re at a ‘ogsmeade visit. Surprised yeh did’n go.  
Hermione: Well, we just got out of the Hospital Wing, and…  
Hagrid: What were yeh doin’ in the…oh, yeh three ‘ad somethin’ tah do wit’ Beaky’s escape, didn ya?  
Harry: How would you know? You were passed out drunk last night…ah crap.  
Hagrid: Knew it. Knew yeh three would get involved. Not that I’m complainin’ none. Also, Lupin’s leavin’.  
Harry: Surely it counts as unfair dismissal.  
Hermione: He’s a danger to kids, so no, it’s not.  
Harry: And yet Professor McFondles can stay?  
McFondles: You called?  
Harry: HANDS OFF MY BUTT!  
Ron: Yeah, there’s not enough room for both of us.  
Harry: I was talking to both of you. Anyway, I should talk to Lupin.  
Hermione: Why?  
Harry: Because he’ll probably give me the Marauder’s Map back before he leaves, and it’ll probably be relevant in the next four books.

*in Lupin’s office*  
Harry: Excuse me, Professor?  
Lupin: Ah, Harry. I’ve been meaning to give you this back *hands Harry back the Invisibility Cloak*  
Harry: Not what I came for, but I’ll take it.  
Lupin: You’re here for the Map?  
Harry: …I mean, it’s not like you’re using it anymore, and…  
Lupin: It would definitely be beneficial to you, since as a main character you’re going to be constantly breaking the rules and sneaking around the castle.  
Harry: So…is that a yes, or…  
Lupin: If I was half the teacher my students said I was, I officially couldn’t condone that. But, I’m not a teacher anymore, so what the fuck do I care? *starts handing the Map over, then snatches it back* But only if you tell me: what was your Patronus?  
Harry: How did you know about…  
Lupin: Sirius was unarmed, Hermione doesn’t know the spell, and Snape wouldn’t have helped you. Who else could it have been?  
Harry: Good point. So, when I first saw it, I thought my father came back from the dead, but then I realised it was Future Me using a stag to…  
Lupin: HA! Called it.  
Harry: What?  
Lupin: I had a bet with Sirius about what your Patronus was, and now he owes me twenty galleons.  
Harry: He’s a convicted felon. His assets were probably seized and frozen. How the hell is he going to pay you?  
Lupin: Petty theft *Dumbledore enters office* Ah, Headmaster. What can I do for you?

Dumbledore: You can give me some privacy for one thing. This is my private bathroom for crying out loud.  
Lupin: Sir, this is my office.  
Dumbledore: Was. Now it’s my bathroom *looks around* Where are the toilets?  
Lupin: It’s not a bathroom.  
Dumbledore: Screw it, I’ll just poop in the corner.  
Lupin: And that’s our cue to leave. Come on Harry *leaves room*  
Dumbledore: Wait, I need to talk to him.  
Harry: Can I not talk to you mid-poop?  
Dumbledore: Nope. My school my rules. So, everything worked out pretty good last night, huh?  
Harry: Except the guy who killed my parents got away to go find Voldemort, an innocent man is still wanted for their murders, and we lost the best teacher we ever had.  
McGonagall: *somewhere far away* I HEARD THAT!  
Snape: *further away* SO DID I!  
Lockhart: *even further away* HEY, CAN I YELL TOO?!  
McGonagall and Snape: FUCK OFF LOCKHART!  
Dumbledore: Well Harry, on the plus side you’ve bonded with Pettigrew.  
Harry: Bonded? More like grew to despise him.  
Dumbledore: You let him live, Therefore, he owes you a life debt.  
Harry: This is one of those things added in to prevent his eventual death being a Deus Ex Machina, isn’t it?  
Dumbledore: Pretty much.

*the last day of term*  
Draco: That fucking Hippogriff, giving me another fucking hangnail.  
Harry: Aww, did you go to taunt it after you condemned it to death for your own stupidity?  
Draco: No, the stupid thing attacked me in my bed, then disappeared into the night.  
Harry: Justice is a beautiful thing.  
Percy: Harry, stop mocking him.  
Harry: He brought it on himself by mocking something he was explicitly told not to mock.  
Draco: I don’t listen to those below me.  
Harry: He’s three times your height and weight. And a teacher. How exactly is he below you?  
Draco: He never graduated.  
Harry: And if you don’t listen to him, the next dangerous animal he brings won’t let you either.  
Percy: Knock it off both of you. When I get in the Ministry of Magic, I’m going to make sure stuff like this never happens again.  
Harry and Draco: NOBODY CARES PERCY!  
Penelope: I care.  
Harry: And when’s the last time you were even mentioned in this series?  
Seamus: When’s the last time any student outside you three were mentioned? It’s like we weren’t relevant for like five chapters.  
Ron: Well, those chapters did take place over the course of a single night, so…  
Dean: What the fuck have you three been doing? Besides getting rid of yet another Defence teacher.  
Ginny: I want the next one to drop the “Defence Against” part of the class name.  
Hermione: Exam results are out. Everyone passed.  
Harry: Of course we did. Can we get to the end of this now? Kieran didn’t just binge watch Kids Next Door for no reason, he has another fic to start on.

*on the train the next day*  
Hermione: So…I’m planning to drop Muggle Studies.  
Harry: *puts his wand at Hermione* Who the fuck are you and what the fuck have you done with Hermione?  
Hermione: No Harry, it is me. Do you know what would happen if it got out that I had a Time-Turner?  
Harry: I wouldn’t tell anyone.  
Ron: I already told Fred and George.  
Harry: All the more reason to get rid of it.  
Fred: Hey Hermione, can we borrow the Time-Turner?  
Hermione: Already got rid of it.  
George: Spoilsport *leaves*  
Ron: Hey, what’s that?  
Harry: *looking out window* That appears to be a rat with wings *looks closer* Maybe a pigeon.  
Hermione: It’s an owl Harry, and it has a letter. Let it in.  
Harry: *opening window and taking the letter* It’s from Sirius. “Dear Harry. Me and Buckbeak are safe, though we believe the Dementors are still looking for us. I plan to be sighted boarding a flight to America soon, since I apparently have some distant family there, so they’ll try and find me there. Listen, I need to tell you that it was me that sent you the Firebolt…”  
Hermione: Called it.  
Harry: “…Don’t ask where I got the money, since I didn’t. Hey, after so many years in Azkaban I had to see if I still had the skills. I’m sorry, you didn’t get to come live with me, but this should make up for it.” *looks in envelope* My Hogsmeade permission slip. And it’s signed.  
Ron:*holding the letter* PS Ron can keep the owl, since I got rid of his rat.  
Harry: There wasn’t a…  
Ron: I get to have an owl like you now Harry. Isn’t that great?  
Harry: Oh, that’s where you were going with that.

*at the train station*  
Vernon: BOY! You better be here to deflate your aunt, or I’ll…  
Harry: *shoving his Hogsmeade permission slip in Vernon’s face* You see this? You see who signed it? It’s Sirius Black, that dangerous serial killer from the news last year. Who also happens to be my wizard godfather. And he’s going to be keeping in touch with me. Now, if you even try and make me be in the same room as your cunt of a sister, I just need to write a letter to him, and you’re fucked. Do I make myself clear?  
Vernon: …welcome home nephew. Dudley, get your cousin’s bags for him. Now.  
Harry: This is gonna be the best summer ever. Well, see you all in the next one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s three down, four (maybe five?) to go. Thank you all for reading this over the last nine months (or whenever you started. Hey, you degraded yourself to reading this, of course I’m thankful.) Goblet of Fire will hopefully be before the end of the year, for now though I need a break from Harry Potter. After I put up the next chapter of Total Drama Couples, I’m gonna get started on a new fanfic. At this stage, it looks like it’ll be Kids Next Door: The Chosen One, an idea I half thought out, then people voted on it on my fanfiction dot net profile so I had to fully develop it. Still, I think I got something solid for it, so hopefully it will come out right. That said, you can still vote for my next fic over on my fanfiction dot net account, if you want me to have wasted the last few weeks binge-watching a children’s cartoon from last decade. On a more sombre note, I’m having a hard time believing one of the muses for this series in the first place may be retiring. Team Four Star’s Dragon Ball Z Abridged is one of, if not the greatest abridged series of all time, and if rumours (and Kaiser’s Twitter) are any indicator, it could be ending with the Cell Saga. I hope that’s not the case, but if it is, on the off chance you see this, thank you Team Four Star for…what is it now? Ten years? You guys rock, and I wish you all the best in whatever you do next. Thanks again to everyone who read this, and I’ll see you in the next one.


End file.
